Hello! How’s it rolling? I’m your conductor on this Winter’s episode of Out of Order, here to take quite the gamble. “What’s that, a gamble?” you may be wondering on the other side of the screen. On a very early installment of the show I watched and laughed at a couple of trailers for some rather foul features. Although the episode apparently underperformed, it has always remained a personal favorite idea for an episode. So yeah, at long last it returns. Striking yet again are the moldy oldies, the out of the ordinary, and a few one-hit wonders, here’s volume 2 of trailer trash. Let’s get this show on the road!
Theatre of Blood (1973)
Starring the great Vincent Price, Theatre of Blood is a masterfully and darkly comic tale of a stage performer who, though believed dead, begins killing off the 8 critics who mocked his acting prior. *gulp*, hopefully nobody hunts me down for disliking their film, geez! The movie is also partially inspired by another grotesque comedy starring Price called The Abominable Dr. Phibes. And when I mean inspired, I instead sort of mean that it is an utter duplicate of Dr. Phibes‘ premise and style. No, I’m not even kidding myself.
Man, the new sequel for Man of Steel certainly looks… interesting. Created as a clear spoof of the Richard Donner Superman installments from 1978 and 1980, Superbman was a remarkably odd creation that sounds like a weak joke someone in your friend circle would through out. The project is pretty hard to come across; to be honest, this was the only available trailer footage that I could implement here. I’m not sure I would be drawn to view this parody, primarily as it feels too similar to the actual Superman series, give or take the updated, more silly character names and a cream pie battle. Yes, really. Who knows, perhaps it’s even better than Superman IV!
Hold That Ghost (1941)
Okay, the film actually is free from ghosts – but there is still nothing more scarier than haunted mansions, crooked mobsters, stolen cash, and the Andrews Sisters! Among one of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello’s strongest pair-ups in a motion picture, Hold That Ghost was ignited off or the duo’s previous series successes Buck Privates and In the Navy. They were such a catastrophic hit with audiences that at the time about 4 individual Abbott and Costello films played in the cinemas. Wow, that’s bonkers!
The Apple (1980)
Fueled by lots of hallucinogens, The Apple was an incredibly odd blend of Christian themes, Illuminati conspiracy, and disco. The rock musical is set in the near future world of 1994 where people jazzercise to no bound and wear fashion probably made out of tin foil. It’s so bonkers and out of the rocker that it has in fact amassed some fans over the years. That, to me, proves that if you think you’re weird, there’s a whole other league of folks that are on a different level! Tell me in the comments, would you pay the price of admission to see The Apple? A relatively perfect example of a midnight movie, but a severely dated and rotten fruit indeed.
Star Crash (1979)
Ah jeez, not again. This exploitation miracle is majorly a rip-off of the superior Star Wars feature, a smash surprise on release in 1977. But with Christmas lights and babes in bikinis. I mean, okay. Though the searing question is this – how on Earth did Star Wars hit big, yet not Starcrash? It’s an outrage! In all honesty here, Starcrash is a fantastic description on how passion when creating a motion picture will always make it better than one with the foundation being to collect loads of money. Even some really terrible flicks such as Birdemic or Plan 9 From Outer Space you can give the benefit of the doubt that at least the directors had a vision and had a blast making them. Here? I don’t see it. Sorry, Starcrash.
If you are a cinema lover like myself, you may have heard of this certain film. Foodfight! is notoriously recognized and loathed by the critic community, often titled the worst animated feature of all time. This trailer isn’t the finished product though, as you may have thought. To the crew’s dismay, hard drives of footage were stolen in a work of espionage. Many theorists have believed that Foodfight!‘s director was behind the act, and that he thought that his creation would flop. Instead of the animators simply quitting from the dead film like the director would think, they pressed on and had to rush out entirely new rigs and tests and movements. In a way, I do feel bad for the crew if that’s what took place. It’s like making the same movie twice! And the critical dumpster fire was the icing on top of this mess of a cake. To be fair, this early version doesn’t cause my eyes to melt off, so there’s something. Maybe the plodding story and nonsensical dialogue would have remained, though the animation could have been generally lively and passable. At least we could have gotten even the slightest sliver out of it!
This trainwreck is such a deep and frustrating topic to converse about, so much so that perhaps it can be explored further in a future episode of Out of Order. If you guys are interested in a lost media post like that, please share your encouragement. And if you do want to plunge into the final feature’s visuals online elsewhere you can go right ahead after this post. But do be warned! The trailer is somewhat symbolic too, because just like Chester the Cheetah, the director sped out of the doomed production soon as he found the opportunity.
Casino Royale (1967)
A movie marketed as “too much for one James Bond” with arguably too many James Bonds, Casino Royale was among many of the classic series’s rip-offs rooted from the psychedelic 60s. So sadly, no, not the Daniel Craig installment. The film holds some promise, particularly in the decent ensemble cast; Peter Sellers, a pre-success Woody Allen, David Niven, and a bevy of gorgeous women all grace the screen. They even roped in Orson Welles himself as the secondary villain, how about that! Even considering its high box office numbers, the 5 directors, almost a dozen screenwriters, bagpipe machine guns, false advertising and flying saucers are enough to imply the sloppy legacy. Also, isn’t it wonderful how possibly the best and the worst James Bond films both have the exact same title? Oh the irony.
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THURSDAY, CHRISTMAS EVE
“A Very Espionage Christmas” Begins with a Review of the Classic Spy Spoof Get Smart
Defenders of Space (1984)
I’m sorry but I didn’t get the name of the movie; could you repeat it again? All jokes aside, Defenders of Space was selected for this list at random. I had a friend scroll through “cult film trailers” and pick one based off the thumbnail and title. Guess this is what he got. But this trailer really is all over the place. There is a duel between two Transformers or something. A innocent robot being shot at. Lasers, as well? Then these two anime kids have to uncover the Secret of the Pheonix? And then the booming narration dissolves into action choreography. Not sure what’s going on there, but alright. My largest brain-scratch here has been unsung; is it ripping off Transformers, Hanna-Barbara, or Star Wars again? Place your bets.
Who’s Minding the Mint? (1967)
Let’s take a look at this kooky comedy directed by the one and only Howard Morris. Sound familiar? Chances are you’ve come across him in one form or another. He had tidbit roles in tens of hundreds of movies and television shows including Jerry Lewis’ masterpiece The Nutty Professor and High Anxiety, and in addition did vocal performances in a medley of cartoons like The Flintstones and The Jetsons. Having coming off of the celebrated sketch comedy Your Show of Shows he directed a couple of features, with Who’s Minding the Mint easily being his best. Heck, it may even be one of the funnier It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-esque endeavors. Add in a magnificent score by Lalo Schrifin and a interesting look into the US Mint, this is among my favorite underlooked screwball fests.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
The last trailer! In lieu of the holidays I knew something had to be tossed in here. Funny enough, instantly my mind knew which cruddy Christmas junk would be used. Can I also come out from behind the buzz surrounding this flick and say that the title is lying to you. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians sounds like a remarkable idea for a B-movie! It is as if there was a movie called John F. Kennedy Destroys the Trix Rabbit… I’d pay good money to be entertained by something that ridiculous. But rather the extraterrestrials are jealous because Kris Kringle doesn’t deliver them presents, so they kidnap him. Does Santa escape and crown himself king of Mars and become a dictator, maybe enslaving the Martian race like elves? No, he spreads some transparent holiday spirit to the aliens. Very original, don’t you think.
Good riddance, that was a hot bundle of trailers. Enough trash to stuff one evening, for sure. Thank you bunches for reading this episode! I hope to see you back again next week, and if you haven’t joined our subscription as of yet it would mean a lot. Only 8 to go until 100; you could be in the first major milestone if you wish! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a stellar New Year to you. Peace out!
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