Watching Every Twilight Movie for the First Time | gavin nowak

Hey, this is your conductor speaking, and it’s great to finally be back from the dead. Being worm food is good and all, but I’ve been absent for… (checks notes) … good god… well, I’ll be sure to post more regularly. I have plenty of reviews and super sized write-ups in the works, so stay tuned. If you’re a longtime reader of this blog, thank you for your continued support even despite my barren track record throughout this last year. And if you’re new, thank you for giving me a chance.

Now, what do you think of when you hear the word “twilight”? Maybe you’re well-adjusted and think of a miraculous sky. For others, pony princess Twilight Sparkle comes to mind. But for some nostalgic readers, they reflect on the beloved… wait no. Um, iconic….

…memorable? Yeah, the memorable Twilight Saga, originally penned as a novel by Stephanie Meyer and adapted to the screen by director Catherine Hardwicke through Summit Entertainment. Made with very little executive interference and a limited budget of $37 million, Twilight somehow became a pop culture sensation overnight. Twilight not only paved the way for a blockbuster franchise, but its resounding success sparked a renaissance of teen book-to-film adaptations that took the box office by storm in the early to mid 2010s. Without Twilight there to prove that the investment was worthwhile, we may not have had The Hunger Games, Maze Runner, The Fault in Our Stars, Divergent and the like. During the five year run that kicked off in 2008 and concluded in 2012 where lovesick women dragged their ill-fated lovers to these movies, I managed to avoid all of them… until now! Much to the concern of my common sense, the curiosity caught up to me. I truly wanted to determine what made Twilight such a phenomenon; why it’s still discussed and defended fifteen years later. Maybe it’s more than it appears.

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HEADS UP: This review contains spoilers for the entire Twilight Saga.

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Twilight (2008)

Okay, so the sparking vampire scene wasn’t that bad.

I’d agree that the original Twilight – a story about an awkward Arizonan girl who moves to a small town in Washington state and falls for aloof vampire Edward Cullen – isn’t a cult classic without reason. In a vacuum, it’s a decent effort purely for what it is and what it’s trying to achieve. By no means is it exceptional based on an objective critique, but it’s nigh perfect as a campy teen fantasy with excessively pale vampires and enough washed-out shades of blue to make the Home Depot paint department jealous. On that note, one thing I really enjoyed was that rainy, cold atmosphere. Speaking as someone who was born and spent a good chunk of my childhood in the Pacific Northwest, director Catherine Hardwicke expertly captured a frigid, moody essence that makes this film stand out among the rest.

The film never once lost my attention. Edward running and leaping around the woods with Bella on his back? Love it. Plus, c’mon, a vampire baseball sesh set to the tune of Muse! Don’t let anyone tell you that that isn’t the coolest cinematic scene of 2008, because we know the truth! Any soundtrack with Decode by Paramore can’t be that bad, too. For honest critiques, main leads Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have about as much chemistry as oil does with water. The performances are out-there, sure, but from what I’ve been told, the characters of Bella and Edward are just as awkwardly written in the novel. At the end of the day, I don’t blame any of the actors. I do agree with the other ubiquitous complaint that the series takes itself with an unnecessary amount of seriousness. Although, depending on your perspective, it can either come off like an absence of self-awareness or an apt encapsulation of adolescent angst where every minuscule interaction feels like life-or-death. It’s genuinely hard to tell.

Score: 6/10

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New Moon (2009)

The follow-up, subtitled New Moon, is essentially a half-hearted retread of the first, but swap out vampires with werewolves. Enter Jacob, played by Taylor Lautner of Sharkboy and Lavagirl fame. Naturally, this is where the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate was born. You either paired her up with the sullen, sparkling bloodsucker or the fiery, tantrum-prone pooch. Or, in other words, necrophilia versus beastiality. As someone who was binge-watching this series with two women for the sake of well-rounded insight, I can definitively say that the sole reason behind Team Jacob’s conception is because of how regularly he takes his shirt off. It’s a “wolf thing”, according to him.

So, an incident between Bella and the Cullen family prompts Edward to respectably break up with Bella and peace out. They’re ill-suited for each other, and seeing Ed acknowledge that and end the relationship on good terms is admirable. Too bad he ruins it by abandoning her in the middle of the woods! As a result of her heartbreak, every time Bella recklessly puts herself in harm’s way, an apparition of Edward’s disembodied head speaks to her. She hops on the motorcycle of someone who tried to sexually assault her. She impulsively dives off of a cliff into the ocean. She appears to break all of her ribs slamming into a rock. Self-harm has never been so fun. Even Edward agrees; a miscommunication leads to a Romeo and Juliet-esque climax where he attempts to end his life by exposing himself in public as a shimmery lil’ fella.

All in all, this entry was middling. It’s first half was alright, but it becomes drawn-out with the unwelcome introduction of vampiric law. While the first film utilized its tone and an enigmatic sense of “is this unintentional or was it all done on purpose?” to create a campy delight, New Moon disappointingly goes full-blown soap opera with nothing to interpret (or misinterpret, I suppose). So far my favorite characters are Bella’s dad, the reserved, shotgun-wielding sheriff Charlie, and Edward’s charismatic, clairvoyant sister Alice. And hey, throw Carlisle in there too, I guess. His scene with Bella had a certain kind of tension, if you catch my drift.

Score: 5/10

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Eclipse (2010)

This one’s a bizarre case. I remember a feeling of contentment as the credits rolled. “That was alright”, I thought. The next day, my memory of the film was completely wiped. The only scene that stuck in my mind was Bella breaking her arm after punching Jacob in the face (?!). A fleeting moment of comedy gold buried in a sea of wasted potential. I would describe it as breezy, if ultimately unremarkable, never awfully inept or outrageous enough to make it a mesmerizing trainwreck. Because, say what you will about the original Twilight and the upcoming Breaking Dawn, but I still recall “you better hold on tight, spider-monkey”, “how you likin’ the rain, girl”, and Edward reading patron’s minds at a restaurant. “Sex, money, sex, money… cat” Bella’s friend giddily displaying a worm on a stick left more of an impact on me. Hell, even New Moon had ‘where’ve you been, loca”.

Amassing a vampire swarm in Seattle, an embittered adversary and her army marches down to Forks motivated to kill Bella. This forces an uneasy alliance between sworn enemies – the Cullen family and the werewolf clan – in order to ensure Bella’s survival. The plot itself is decent, and a natural progression of the story and characters. The opposing factions striking a shaky truce, parallel to the tempestuous love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob is an excellent set-up. In execution, it plays it straight. It is kinda funny that these three are going through this overblown high school melodrama while more pressing matters are happening in the background.

Despite not being a particularly shocking revelation, this is the entry where I came to the conclusion that pretty much everyone else is more interesting than our morose lead characters. Jasper and Rosalie Cullen reveal their backstories, I assume to fill in space. Jasper admits that fought for the Confederacy during the American Civil War, Rosalie tells the tale of how she turned into a vampire and got revenge on the repulsive men who raped her, among them her fiance – I mean, wow! Give me those movies, please. When it comes to Jacob, however, he’s awful in this. I mean, really awful. He forces himself on Bella (which results in the hand-spraining jab to the face), repeatedly dismisses Bella’s rejection under the resolute insistence that she is denying her feelings, and later threatens to get himself killed in combat when he overhears Bella and Edward discussing their engagement. Flat-out emotional manipulation! I guess it’s just a wolf thing.

Score: 5/10

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Breaking Dawn Part One (2011)

One half elongated wedding/honeymoon, the other half a nightmarish pregnancy, Breaking Dawn Part One is truly… something. Or maybe it’s just not much of anything. My only certainty is that it blows, big time. If you’re viewing this through a lens devoid of seriousness, then it totally functions as a comedy. If I’m remembering things correctly, Jacob goes shirtless within the first minute: a new record!

There are quite a few highlights here. It begins with Bella and Edward getting married at long last. And what wedding is complete without your mother singing you a childhood lullaby. The couple then go on a lavish honeymoon, having sex all night and playing chess all day. Then, despite previously establishing that all of the fluids in Edward’s body are venomous, somehow he knocks Bella up. Whoops. From here on out everything becomes a blur. Bella accidentally consumes raw chicken, the maintenance woman angrily invokes them with a jinx, the Cullens have a pro-life / pro-choice debate, Jacob is having an unfocused little subplot where he rebels against his werewolf pack. On and on it goes. The original Twilight finally has competition in terms of small, standout scenes and stilted lines of dialogue. Anyways, the baby is slowly killing Bella from the inside out. She’s all malnourished and sickly, sipping animal blood from a styrofoam cup.

Yes, really.

Edward saves her by performing a c-section with his teeth… I think? One thing I don’t doubt is that Jacob imprinting on a newborn baby is a riot! Again, it’s shrugged off as a wolf thing. I’ll be honest with you, even though they’d mentioned imprinting before, I still wasn’t certain what it was. It just sounds wrong. Hold on, let me look this up…

It sounds a lot like grooming, worryingly. Big yikes.

The whole thing is made even funnier when, come next movie, a screenwriter shoe-in grinds a climactic scene to a halt just to assure the audience that this is definitely not creepy. Suuuuuurrre. And wait just a minute! Imprinting is one-sided, right? What if the imprintee doesn’t reciprocate? I have so many concerning questions, Steph. It’s just further driving the point home that Bella should get together with Alice instead. I’m not joking. Team Alice for the win.

Score: 3/10

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Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

Breaking Dawn Part Two alleviates its bottom of the barrel predecessor as a very fitting wrap-up for loyal fans. Being that it was the last movie in the series, I’m sure that this one in particular was highly anticipated by many, albeit for polar opposite reasons! It’s evident that Robert Pattinson lightened up a bit now that the light at the end of the tunnel was in sight. It was surprisingly heartwarming to see the guy genuinely happy for once, especially since his character was reacting to Bella chewing Jacob out. I had a big stupid grin on my face, too!

A majority of this finale is planning and recruiting allies, all building up to the final fight. The entire runtime feels like a third act stretched unbearably thin. But as a popular alternative rock band once declared, in the end it doesn’t even matter. The uproarious, balls-to-the-wall fight scene is unceremoniously revealed to have all been one of Alice’s premonitions, seen from the horrified perspective of the chief Volturi. It would be impressive how uneventful this movie is if it weren’t just sort of sad. They talk the situation out and, following the aforementioned interruption failing to dispel my concerns over Jacob’s deviance, everyone leaves with nothing more than a nasty case of deep dissatisfaction. And now the guy who strived tirelessly to get in Bella’s pants is destined to be her and Eddie’s son-in-law. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is uncomfortable, right?

Somebody must’ve ordered extra cheese on the end credits montage, but hey, it’s effective. The Christina Perri song continues this franchise’s consistently enjoyable track record for music, as well. I wouldn’t consider myself a massive fan, but those end credits, in an oddly transcendent way, made me feel like I was.

Score: 5/10

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Closing Thoughts

I came into this marathon with an open-minded approach, interested to pinpoint what made Twilight so significant; to understand it like I never did before. It’s clear that Twilight has a plethora of problems. I wasn’t exactly subtle when calling them out. Major concerns such as its iffy implications to nitpicky blemishes like the bloated ensemble of unimportant side characters introduced in its endgame all ring true. More often than not, it felt like it deliberately went out of its way to tell a humdrum story while all this tangentially much more engaging stuff happened around it. Let’s not ignore that it winded up cursing the world with the notoriously insufferable Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, either!

I joke, but, when all is said and done, Twilight is fine. It’s nowhere near being the worst possible thing. When you boil it all down to its core, Twilight is a romance founded on teenage desires. It starts off charming only to derail. However, it’s too standard and earnest and fun to really motivate any wholehearted ire. It’s written off as nothing more than wish fulfillment for young girls, which undeniably speaks to a cultural inclination to deride adolescent feminine interests. Clunky dialogue and mindless plotlines can be seen in film all the time: take the Fast and Furious franchise, for instance. And although those movies certainly received criticism, it never came remotely close to the mass hatred garnered against Twilight for being similarly flawed. How come a testosterone-fueled line of films get a pass, but Twilight is wrong and worthy of ridicule?

Look, I’m still not sure I completely “get” this franchise. But my marathon certainly didn’t teach me nothing.

Twilight made me realize that it’s okay to enjoy flawed works of art, no matter how “cringy” and no matter how maligned. I’m glad that, in these last few years, there’s been a renewed interest in the series with people taking it at face value as a genuine work instead of condemning it to perpetual dismissal and ridicule. I mockingly pointed out ridiculous plot points and awkward details, but I found that I still had a fun time watching it nevertheless. It’s something that people hold dearly to their heart and, with the world as hard enough as it is, who are we to point and laugh?

We shouldn’t have to be embarrassed about the things we enjoy. So, don’t listen to what they have to say about it! Don’t listen to what I say about it. A true friend will never try to make you feel ashamed of your interests, even if they can’t relate. Twilight is not really for me. But maybe it’s for you. And that’s awesome.