4 Lost/Destroyed Pieces of Lost Media Vol. 1 | (Out of Order) R-rated Indiana Jones?

Hey guys and welcome back aboard for episode 2 of Out of Order, the show where I count down a variety of topics in completely mixed up array. It’s also rather gloomy where the Train is traveling through so now’s a perfect time to begin delving into my new lost media series. This term applies to all forms of entertainment where fragments and bits of the finished project have been removed and either locked away in a studio archive or destroyed forever. Examining these lost segments is a nice treat, allowing your mind to run wild with possibilities on why it was removed, where they are now or if they even existed at all. Welcome to volume 1 of the Lost Media arc of Out of Order; let’s get this show on the road.

Case File I: The R-Rated Raiders of the Lost Ark

The 1981 action adventure Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Harrison Ford as the titular hero Indiana Jones soon became the highest grossing film of that year and is considered one of the best films in its genre as well as in general. But if you told me that it was originally stamped with a R rating from the MPAA, I would be enthralled. A truck-ton of elongated scenes were cut from the final feature which consisted of a stretched out duel with the swordsman and an uncertain amount of profanity, plus so much more. Out of all those scenes, only the longer swordsman sequence and a kiss between Indy and Marion were leaked online, although the latter is now unavailable to view. Bummer.

But C’mon… I think we’re all grateful to have gotten that hilarious moment in the final film.

One of the gruesome of these deleted scenes is the original version of Belloq’s head exploding. In the theatrical cut the blood and gore is heavily blurred by the flames shooting out of the Ark, but in this one the flames are no longer obscuring the graphics of it all. While there was no video per say, the Will McCrabb Twitter page unleashed a pair of the shots to the public on November 14 2013. Take a look:

Man, that’s brutal. Anybody here got some band-aids and an ice pack?

Case File II: Wilkins and Wontkins’ Missing Ads

As a man who binges old commercials on his free time, I can say I’ve come across the Wilkins Coffee commercials from the late 50s before. According to my sources, the famed puppeteer and brainchild of the Muppets, Jim Henson, was hired by the Wilkins Coffee company to produce quick 10 second advertisements for their brand. The ads featured two characters who resemble the puppet icons Kermit and Elmo quite a lot, Wilkins and Wontkins, with each and every interstitial having Wilkins suggest that the other have a cup of the stuff, before Wontkins meets his painful fate when he refuses the offer.

“Drink our rich, dark Wilkins Coffee… or you shall SUFFER!”

If I’m being honest, this is an excellent advertising campaign and will get many people interested in the product, me included. They were accordingly a success for the brand, and Jim would later go on to create about 179 commercials for additional companies. Some of the said “additional companies” comprise of Community Coffee, Red Diamond Coffee and various bread and beverage brands.

The ads were converted to color by 1966 as you can now tell

Only 100 of the 179 commercials starring Wilkins and Wontkins have been found, while I believe that the remaining lost ads are more likely than not archived somewhere in the Jim Henson estate. The last verified interstitial promoted Community Coffee and was released in 1969. Of course, it’s unsure if Jim made more commercials than what was confirmed nor if any have been destroyed. Luckily, that gives us plenty of prompts for conspiracy theories on their whereabouts.

Case File III: Nintendo Power and the Apocryphal Prize

Let’s travel back to 1994 following the financial hit of the Jim Carrey comedy The Mask, and due to the success the studio was on board with a sequel. Apparently for the executives, Jim Carrey was seeking a new acting challenge and turned down a 10 million dollar salary to return as Stanley Ipkiss. Despite Carrey’s refusal to star, it is very much possible that the sequel had began some kind of production. Case in point, the video game magazine Nintendo Power launched a contest in which the winner would visit the set of The Mask II as an extra. This lucky reader was Nathan Runk, who was eventually contacted by the Nintendo Power staff after the news concerning Carrey was announced.

Nathan explaining winning the contest

Thankfully in 2005 the world would finally get the long-awaited continuation of The Mask. Yeah, the original cast wasn’t back, but that hardly – what!? Son of the Mask. Oh no… it can’t possibly be…

We’ll be Back with another Piece of Lost Media after these messages.

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Case File IV: Cartoon Network Ultimate Holiday Wishlist

During the Christmas season, the cable channel Cartoon Network allowed viewers to purchase animation-themed gifts on their website. But in 2003, they went a tad bit out of control with these gifts: now you could have your room decorated like the Powerpuff girls or maybe even Dexter’s own lab! How about Space Ghost’s desk from his talk show or Harvey Birdman’s full-sized car. No, a 42-feet high, 5-room, full blown Kids Next Door treehouse! And this a conspiracy was born.

The ad promoting the KND treehouse

According to my research, no one had bought this for the whopping 1 million dollar price tag accompanied with it. According to a article written by the New York Post, the senior marketing director of the channel, Greg Heanue, stated this, “A few people have been interested, but when we call them back, for assorted reasons the funding fell through.” Heanue also said that so far the only potential buyers have been young kids and not some multi-millionare who happens to enjoy the show Codename: Kids Next Door.

Only one of the treehouses have been constructed by Cartoon Network which leaves us to simply wonder, “Where is the treehouse now?”. My head canon is that it was all just a stunt to see if anyone would buy the gargantuan thing, which nobody happened to. Now the dream of living in the KND treehouse is over as it was probably left to decay in the Turner archives.

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40 Subscriber Special! – Updates – The Future of Volt Vulture – QnA

Greetings again and deepest condolences from your conductor G.H Nowak for 40 subscribers! Thank you everyone that actually enjoy reading my opinions, it’s a true blessing to have all of you. Shootout to all my remarkable passengers:

Afterwards I highly suggest visit some of those blogs. You never know, you may even follow them. 🙂 As for my Email subscribers, here’s their well-deserved recognition:

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Apologies for the hiatus I’m doing, though remember a ton of projects are still in the making. For the disaster double-review, I haven’t squeezed in 4 hours yet to binge both yet so it will be delayed again for a bit longer. Luckily, other posts including another episode of Out of Order (btw, thank you for the high viewership of episode 1!) and a Pixar 4-part mega review, Star Wars: Clone Wars microreview on May 4th and talking about Twilight Zone “rip-offs” are all in the writing process. I’d say that the next post will be Episode 2 of Out of Order on Thursday or sometime close to that.

What about Volt Vulture? The first draft is complete and sealed but character designs are still being touched-up. I’m so very sorry I can’t show you the concept art yet like I said I would. Disappointing, indeed.

A preview with all the concept art, the first scene of the story, and a full synopsis will probably be released in early June while the first chapter will be launched sometime in September with a new chapter every week until mid-December.


Now its come time for a little QnA segment I thought would be fun. Let’s begin!

  • Q. Where do you live? A. Temecula, California, though I consider Oahu, Hawaii my true home.
  • Q. What is your biggest quirk? A. Hmm.. That I watch old TV commercials for fun. I dunno why they’re just so captivating.
  • Q. What inspired you to get into blogging? A. Well, when I was younger people would always say how great of a writer I was. I still continued to write constantly and I was originally planning to make LightTrain Reviews a YouTube channel. However, my editing and filming skills were floundering and I hardly had any good software. Thankfully a friend of mine who also blogs suggested I do that as well; I coincided and ended up here.
  • Q. Favorite Tv show/anime? A. I really enjoy ‘Space Ghost Coast to Coast ‘, ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ (another inspiration), ‘Animaniacs’as you can tell I’m more of the witty and dry comedy kind of guy. I don’t watch a lot of anime but I have enjoyed segments of ‘Trigun‘, ‘Cowboy Bebop’, ‘Lupin the III Part II ‘ and ‘The Big O ‘.
  • Q. Favorite Celebrity? A. Eh… Ralph Fiennes and Keanu Reeves I suppose. Wait, are those celebrities?
  • Q. What is the best ice cream flavor? A. The best? If I’m speaking for everyone I’d say Vanilla (since everyone’s at least OK with it) but my personal favorite is Rocky Road or Coconut.
  • Q. What Books do you absolutely love? A. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Dune and Trash: The Graphic Genius of Exploitation Movie Posters.
  • Q. Are you a Dog person or a Cat person? A. I like both but since I have a pet cat I guess I’ll side with them.
  • Q. Which upcoming projects are you excited for? A. Mostly the Dune movie and Masters of the Universe: Revelation on Netflix.
  • Q. A yellow fruit? A. Pineapple.
  • Q. Are you done? A. Mm-hm

Again thank you everyone for the support and love and I’ll see you guys later. Buh-bye!

Illumination's HOP Review – LightTrain

Good morning Vietnam! Welcome aboard and happy Easter, I’m your conductor G.H speaking. It’s usually a good bet for a studio to produce a holiday film, since television networks will air it every year with luck and you could perhaps earn royalties each time. Halloween and most notably Christmas have far to much competition to deal with, though that leaves a possible jackpot out in the open for others to snatch up. Enter the 2011 live action film Hop directed by Tim Hill of Alvin and the Chipmunks, which is based off the Easter season. Let’s get this show on the road!

The plot is about the son of the Easter Bunny, E.B (voice acted by Russel Brand), the heir to his father’s title. Despite the prestigious reputation, E.B would rather follow his passion of performing the drums and flees to Los Angeles to achieve stardom. There he is taken in by the unemployed human slacker Frederick O’Hare after being inadvertently hit with his car. Elsewhere on Easter Island, E.B’s father has sent his royal guards the Pink Berets to recover E.B while the Mexican second-in-command of Mr. Bunny, the chick Carlos, schemes with the fellow chicken assistants to overthrow the bunnies and nullify the holiday to their image.

Right off the bat, I have a few things to say about the film’s heavy-handed message. Now, the theme isn’t bad on paper, learning to accept that people may not fit into the molds you want them in. E.B wants to become a drummer for a band rather than take up the duties of being the Easter bunny, which is somewhat of a hole. The Bunny himself really just monitors the production of those sweet treats and only becomes dedicated to the job once a year, delivering eggs that is. So couldn’t that mean E.B can do the Easter bunny’s minor responsibilities and still play music on his free time? But wait, there’s another issue involving the right-hand man Carlos as well. Now, disagree if you wish, but wouldn’t it click in with the story’s subject matter if he became the new Easter bunny despite being born a chick, since E.B participates in the music industry despite being born his father’s successor? It would make theme and logical sense because chickens lay eggs not bunnies, right? I’m beginning to get off track, let’s continue.

The film, I would say, does a solid job clearly spelling out each one’s motivations even if they’re still a bit… much. For example, 2/3s of the way into the flick Frederick suddenly decides that he can replace E.B as the new honcho. Yes, they actually went with this, though that at least provides me more reason for my Easter chick hypothesis. It really feels like Illumination took their Easter film and have it a Christmas zest with a sleigh and everything. That reminds me, Hop when you briefly analyze it honestly has nothing to do with the holiday; how could you have the first theatrical Easter movie without anyone even celebrating it or exploding Peeps™ in their microwave?

The way the film plays out is also rather flabbergasting; unlike the preferred structure template of a straight plotline which shoots up or down with the main character’s journey, Hop has numerous branches which grow out and end before they get anywhere. Take Fred’s job interview at a video game development, which has so much potential in and of itself. Though by the time the scenes done, nothing interesting happens to keep kids enthralled. When the emotional story arc wraps up at the end, the Easter bunny bestows E.B and Fred co-Easter bunnies together. Wait a minute, you would allow a human you’ve never met before with questionable skills have the title than your perennial proxy all because he’s a chick? This is more ridiculous than Werewolves on Wheels!

With a cluttered plot, flat characters and a undercooked plan for the moral, Hop reminds me all too much of those chocolate rabbits: Their occasionally impressive CGI and promising setup may feel appetizing to the senses, but the overload of cheap, factory-produced richness is enough to make older audiences sick to their stomach.

RATING: 3.5/10 “Eh”

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Top 7 Most Expensive Theatrical Film Disasters | (Out of Order) When Disney Flops

Welcome to Out of Order, the show where I count subjects down – out of order. Who would’ve thought, right? When a film fails to earn it’s budget back from theatrical ticket sales they are bestowed the dismaying crown of a box office bomb. And that’s what we’ll be talking about today, the Top Seven Biggest Box Office Bombs in Cinemas. Numberwise for this list we will subtract it’s budget from the money it made, then adjust it for inflation: The larger the loss, the bigger the flop. Let’s get this show on the road.

2. CUTTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Up their with one of the most chaotic productions ever was Cutthroat Island, a swashbuckler adventure film directed by Renny Harlin who also worked on Cliffhanger and Die Hard 2. It was eventually dumped into theaters and lost:

BUDGET: $90,000,000 –
BOX OFFICE: $10,017,322 +
LOSS: $87,982,678
ADJUSTED: $149,338,472.31

Wow, 149,338,472 dollars total. Now, there’s an interesting history behind the scenes. Harlin pitched an idea for his then-wife Geena Davis, known for her roles in The Fly with Jeff “Uh” Goldblum as well as Beetlejuice, to star in an action film. The studio that produced the film, Carolco, was already deep in debt and was close to shutting down while MGM, the distribution company, couldn’t commit to promote the film as they were in the process of a buyout. Things were only worse on set, including more than two dozen crew members leaving the project, constant rewrites by an unsatisfied Harlin, even the cinematographer Oliver Wood broke his leg only one week into filming.

The management was a mess, and the lukewarm response both critically and financially reflected that. In a 2011 radio interview, Harlin admitted that Carolco was practically dead even before filming began. It’s easy to say that Cutthroat Island burned all Hollywood interest in pirate features until Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl rejuvenated the genre’s potential. Who knows, maybe I’ll talk about this movie more in the future.

3. THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH (2002)

Behold, Eddie Murphy at probably his worse in the history of his career, and that’s saying something. This is The Adventures of Pluto Nash, a film too unfit for children though too immature for adults led it to scoop up only:

BUDGET: $100,000,000 –
BOX OFFICE: $7,103,973 +
LOSS: $92,896,027
ADJUSTED: $141,339,742.48

Just over 7 million dollars. I have somewhat of a theory for it’s flop as there aren’t any reasons behind it that I could find. I believe that, as mentioned in the opening paragraph, The Adventures of Pluto Nash outed about 3/4 of demographics: It’s a PG-13 rated comedy with Eddie Murphy which ‘X’s out young folks, it’s too juvenile and silly for adults, and seniors, I could only assume, aren’t interested. This leaves only teenagers that would gobble up this movie, but even they couldn’t make up for the modest budget (for a comedy, that is).

Well, maybe critics enjoyed it? Erm, bad news for Warner Bros. – It not only lost 90 million dollars, but additionally Pluto Nash was universally despised by critics and audiences as well. Nobody really talks about Pluto Nash, and it was a challenge to scavenge for information on it’s history or Eddie Murphy’s thoughts reminiscing about it. Oh well, on to the next bomb…

6. FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN (2001)

Let me take you back to medieval times of old, the year 1997. There was an idea to create CG “actors” that, like real human performers, would star in a myriad of movies as different characters. The test run of this mind-boggling breakthrough came in the form of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Well-known powerhouse actors like Tom Hanks were worried that this technique would be the future, but it was clear that when this experiment lost:

BUDGET: $137,000,000 –
BOX OFFICE: $85,131,830 +
LOSS: $51,868,170
ADJUSTED: $75,803,132.65

75 million dollars, that it just wasn’t going to work like they thought. I genuinely feel for the production team behind Final Fantasy, it feels like they were passionate about the concept of CG actors getting off the ground: one of the producers actually had the guts to compare their flick to Show White and the Seven Dwarves‘ technological achievements. It also turns out that the main computer animated personality ‘Aki Ross’ appeared in Maxim magazine’s Top One Hundred Hottest Women of 2001 issue and ranked at 87 by readers.

This dip in the “uncanny valley” has been left to be forgotten about in time, despite the given effort poured into this passion project. I wonder what an alternate reality where Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within didn’t bomb and animated actors became the norm. ‘Twas not meant to be…

1. The 13th Warrior (1999)

This is an example of just because of not receiving its profit back doesn’t equate to a bad movie: The 13th Warrior, a historical action epic crafted by the minds of Michael Crichton and John McTiernen. Despite the talent behind the movie, it wasn’t worth a trip to the cinema for audiences, losing:

BUDGET: $160,000,000 –
BOX OFFICE: $61,698,899 +
LOSS: $98,301,101
ADJUSTED: $152,631,045.65

152 million dollars, holy cow! It really was potential that got flushed down the drain when the run-of-the-mill critical response flooded onto the picture. You have the geniuses behind Jurassic Park, Die Hard, the Westworld film, and Predator; What could go wrong? Besides everything. I believe that the fact The Sixth Sense had been released three weeks prior and was a smash hit played at least a minor role in The 13th Warrior‘s financial disaster. Although critics were mostly unimpressed by the attempt, quite a bit of mainstream viewers have looked upon it favorably, with a few even claiming the movie was a neglected classic.

The 13th Warrior is a mess, but hey, audiences enjoy it. Do I think the movie deserves a critical reappraisal? I don’t know because I couldn’t figure out how to watch it; I’ll leave that decision up to you guys, my duty is to entertain you with my nerdy movie and TV knowledge. Speaking of which, let’s continue shall we…

4. MARS NEEDS MOMS (2011)

Hey, remember The Polar Express? I’m sure you do, it’s practically a staple of the holiday season. Well, the company which funded the project, Image Movers Digital, who are known for their use of motion capture CGI, closed operations in 2011 two months before their last “hurrah”, Mars Needs Moms, got released and ended up suffering a:

BUDGET: $150,000,000 –
BOX OFFICE: $39,233,678 +
LOSS: $110,766,322
ADJUSTED: $127,380,359.31

127 million dollar debt. After A Christmas Carol didn’t satisfy Disney’s thirst for money, they allowed Image Movers to produce one more film before they would cease exercise all together in 2011. Enter Simon Wells, a storyboard artist for Who Framed Roger Rabbit as well as a consultant for Back to the Future Part II and III and The Polar Express, whom was drawn to a story titled ‘Mars Needs Moms’. Wells then decided to write and direct his very own adaption of Mars Needs Moms, and Disney announced it as IMD’s final flick. If you think Final Fantasy cranked up to the red on the Creep-O-Meter, I suggest stay away from Mars Needs Moms. Trust me, it’s for the best. It’s failure was a surprise to nobody, notably due to its visuals and word-of-mouth spreading on social media networks with everyone hyping up for Battle: Los Angeles instead.

Image Movers had to put off development on a Yellow Submarine remake, a Roger Rabbit sequel, another Nutcracker adaptation (which I believe became The Nutcracker and the Four Realms) and Michael Dougherty’s Calling All Robots; Don’t worry about the latter though, as Dougherty went on to create the praised horror anthology Trick r Treat, so at least he found recognition.

We’ll return with more bombs after these messages…


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7. John Carter (2012)

These last two features just go to show that even megalomaniac corporations like Disney are immune from all gunshots fired at them. First, John Carter from 2012, based on the influential pulp series Barsoom and helmed by Andrew Stanton in his live-action debut after his directorial works on Finding Nemo and Wall-E. What’s the worse that could hap –

BUDGET: $306,600,000 (Gross) –
BOX OFFICE: $284,139,100 +
LOSS: $22,460,900
ADJUSTED: $25,306,152.12

Oh, yeah that. Okay, get comfortable if you weren’t already because we’ve got a bunch of intriguing facts about this production. Ready? Cool, so since way back in 1931 the Barsoom serials have been intended for a theatrical adaptation, being tossed around to Looney Tunes honcho Bob Clampett for a cartoon feature and even to Robert Rodriguez, before controversy involving Sin City had him replaced by Jon Favreau. Both of these attempts ended up hitting dead ends though, also being subsequently dropped for another studio to scoop up. Of course this would eventually be Walt Disney Pictures, specifically Stanton. He pitched his script to the reluctant executives, claiming it as “Indiana Jones on Mars” and a possible Star Wars competitor. By now you could tell they were on board and agreed to Stanton’s saga kickstarter.

There was plans laid out for a trilogy, but when the results came in the remaining two films were put under the guillotine regarding the path Disney and Stanton would head down. Stanton, co-writers Mark Andrews and Mike Chabon, and cast members Taylor Kitsch and Willam Dafoe pushed with the original proposal, though Disney eventually sold the rights. Here’s a fun little fact: It was planned to be titled John Carter of Mars at one point, but due to Mars Needs Moms‘ bomb a year earlier, Disney opted out, dreading deja vu. Tell me in the comments below, do you think if they kept this name it would have earned more, less, or the same amount of income? Now, let’s wrap up this episode ’cause I’m tired and I wanna be done with it.

5. The Lone Ranger (2013)

After Mars Needs Moms and John Carter managed to scrape off about three-fourths of their budget, Disney was definite they would avoid these mistakes for a third time. Don’t allow costs to spiral out of control, play it safe, and have a decent enough marketing campaign.

BUDGET: $365 Million – 400 Million –
BOX OFFICE: $260,502,115 +
LOSS: $124,500,000 (Estimated)
ADJUSTED: $138,246,161.31 (Estimated)

Too soon? So, in early 2002, Columbia Pictures had plans for a Lone Ranger full-length feature based off the titular radio and television series character. It was intended to have a tone comparable to The Mask of Zorro, another incarnation of a vigilante icon from a 60s property. After being trapped in development hell for three years, Columbia forfeited the idea, favoring to focus on their fresh new Star Trek era of movies. With that backstory, let me convert a long tale shorter and fast-forward to 2010, where Jerry Bruckheimer, known best for producing the Pirates of the Caribbean installments, has stumbled upon the Lone Ranger rights. After being bestowed permission by Disney executives, Jerry eventually lassoed up the director of the first three PotC adventures, Gore Verbinski, as well as it’s writers Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, the former whom had also written Mask of Zorro. I’m beginning to believe everything’s coming around full circle… are you?

After a typhoon of delays including wildfires, chickenpox outbreak and damp weather conditions led to multiple pushbacks, Gore Verbinski’s The Lone Ranger premiered at last in 2013. And then this. It’s difficult to tell what caused it’s flop: possibilities range from the negative reviews to unfamiliarity with the source material to maybe even the graphic heart-eating moment. Whatever the reason may have been, Lone Ranger still manages to remain one of Disney’s biggest embarrassments.


And that just about completes this episode of Out of Order, check back next time for some spooky and unsolved lost media mysteries. Clickety clack down the track, I’m out.

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Monty Python and The Holy Grail Review – LightTrain

G’day Mate, and welcome back aboard. If you’re new here, I’m your conductor Gavin Nowak; Pleased to meet you! In these stirring times whatever that may mean to you currently, a goofy comedy movie or show is excellent medicine. And the icing on the cake, no side effects! Thankfully I switched on a quaint film that’s full of humor called Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and although it hit hilarious highs it also plummeted rather deep. Now, here’s the Lighttrain take on The Holy Grail: Let’s get this show on the road.

The flick is at its core a collection of segments glued together by a summarized plotline: Located way back in 932 A.D. Britain, King Arthur is searching the land for men who are brave and pure at heart to become his Knights of the Round Table. Along the search, Arthur and his men are given a new quest, to retrieve the holy grail itself. Can the Knights dodge many silly dangers and obtain the Grail?

As briefly mentioned The Holy Grail is unlike the hundreds-of-thousands of comedies in that it’s entirely made up of interconnected, medieval-themed skits. If your craving context, the eponymous ‘Monty Python’ in the title is referencing the lampoon troupe who had previously been known best for their sketch show Monty Python’s Flying Circus on the BBC in the early 1970s. This pretty clearly explains why the film’s structure is like this, since it’s what the Pythons are familiar with. Using the construction of a sketch series can also accompanied by its own pitfalls. For example…

The differing quality of the segments. When the Monty Python gang strike gold, they strike it out well. Scenes like the Knights of Ni, debating about witch hunting, the murderous rabbit, the taunting Frenchmen to even the opening credits are ripped straight out of a mind of comic artistry, and never fails to amuse me. However, a grim chunk of the middle including the castle filled with concupiscent women and Lancelot mistakenly vanquishing attendance at a wedding celebration represent the weeds inhabiting a fruitful garden. Throughout the feature, you may wonder if the climax shall leave a foul taste lingering in your mouth. Without revealing too many facts, it depends on the type of humor you savor though I personally enjoyed it.

The Holy Grail is an explosion of zaniness, and with a feature so galvanizing I think I would say I prefer Monty Python in portions rather than a full length film. Not that it’s necessarily overpowering perse, just that it matches my preferred pace.

While most certainly not everyone’s style, the non-stop enthusiasm is difficult to detest. Sure it has it’s low points, but it resurrects your inner goof with stellar wit and a undeniable talent for what the Pythons have designed. It’s not their most even work, but it might possibly be their funniest.

RATING: 7/10 “Definite Reccomend”

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How My Ratings System Works

1/10 – Garbage Movie “Avoid”

Pretty much unwatchable. Every single element is stained, and redeeming qualities are nonexistent.

2/10 – Awful Flick “Not worth your time”

Slightly more better than a One. These are usually just as dreadful, but this time around there is at least one redeeming feature, like a specific scene or certain character you liked.

3/10 – Pretty Bad ” Ignore “

Simply put: A boring film. You find yourself constantly checking to see when it’s over.

4/10 – Mediocre “Wait for streaming”

Nothing special. Mostly leaves you craving more.

5/10 – Guilty Pleasure ” If you’re interested, check it out”

As the name implies, a movie that isn’t solid quality-wise, but a very entertaining and fun watch.

6/10 – Alright “Wait for DVD or Blu-Ray”

This is the first “Good” rating. Your glad you saw it, but you have no interest seeing it again in a jiffy.

7/10 – Good ” Recommended”

A film that you can recommend to anyone. Like mediocre, nothing groundbreaking, but unlike that rating movies with a Seven are still very enjoyable.

8/10 – Great “See it in Theaters”

A solid, entertaining experience. Nothing more, nothing less.

9/10 – Excellent “Highly Recommend”

A near flawless film, but had a spot or two that stained it overall, though very mildly.

10/10 – Golden Reel ” Definite Must-See “

It speaks for itself. A very watchable, amusing, heartfelt and beautiful blend of a flick.


THURSDAY, MARCH 26 | Monty Python and The Holy Grail Review

NICKELODEON: How Your Childhood Channel Died -LightTrain

Howdy, I’m your conductor Gavin Nowak here to talk about Nickelodeon. This channel was dominant in the late 80s and all throughout the 90s, offering kids around the globe a wide selection of cartoons, sitcoms and game shows. This dynasty was founded in 1977 but it wasn’t until a couple of years that it became the king of TV. In fact, it originally was called Pinwheel before converting to the iconic Nickelodeon two years later, but even that change didn’t immediately bring in great results. This period the channel was extremely experimental, dishing out many obscure series to find out what clicked with its young audience (a few examples include America Goes Bananaz, Livewire and Nick Rocks).

The first real success Nickelodeon received was through the sketch comedy program You Can’t Do That On Television, which continued to esteem solid ratings and aired on the channel for nine years straight, as well as introduce the quintessential slime that would be associated with the network for many years to come. Despite You Can’t Do That On Television’s success, the channel was still rock bottom in ratings, and the executives decided to give Nickelodeon a much needed makeover. The previous logo of a disco ball fonted by multicolored letters was trashed and replaced by balloon typeface accompanied by an orange splat.

Well, the redesign payed off! Nickelodeon soon boosted up in viewership remarkably and kept pushing forward with it’s live action programming, bringing the likes of Hey Dude, Salute your Shorts, All That, GUTS, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Clarissa Explains it All, Double Dare, Roundhouse, and Legends of the Hidden Temple. Also popular were the inclusion of Nick Jr., Snick, The Kids Choice Awards and Nick at Nite, which introduced me to some cool shows before my time like Get Smart, Green Acres, and Mad Movies with the L.A. Connection. Another excellent addition were the animated IDs for the network: cartoon jingles sung by the “doo-wop” group ‘ The Jive Five’.

Hello out there from TV Land!

Even with the impressive collection of series the channel aired there was something vital missing, like the final piece of a puzzle, that would break ground for Nickelodeon – Nicktoons. On August 11, 1991, three animated shows premiered; these were Rugrats, a series about a baby’s outlook on life, Doug, about a pre-teens predicaments in his town Bluffington, and Ren & Stimpy, featuring the outrageous exploits of a unstable chihuahua and a dim-witted cat. Originally, Nickelodeon was against creating cartoons because they were a pretty penny to fund, and they were very much right. These shows weren’t cheap in the least but with great risk comes great reward, which was the case for the network as all three were smash hits.

Many more Nicktoons were created soon after; for instance, Rocko’s Modern Life, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, Hey Arnold, KaBlam!, The Angry Beavers, CatDog, The Wild Thornberrys, Rocket Power, Spongebob Squarepants, Invader Zim, The Fairly Oddparents, My Life as a Teenage Robot and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Nickelodeon was an imperial of children’s programming that they could call home, however good things like these don’t last forever and by the early-2000s their empire began to crumble. But, why? How has this channel fallen so far from its original roots? In 1999, a certain Nicktoon listed a moment ago debuted and flipped the competition on Nickelodeon over itself: Spongebob Squarepants. Years earlier, Herb Scannell was bestowed his high title as president of Nickelodeon and progressively made the channel he was now in full control of more corporate then the year previous. This was already an issue, as the executives settled on weeding out more of the channel’s creative shows (specifically Rocko’s Modern Life, Roundhouse and GUTS). When Spongebob entered the stage though, Nickelodeon hit a gold mine.

It instantly became one of the network’s most popular premieres and contained a sense of fun and entertainment that both adults and kids devoured. Herb and his executives learned that Spongebob worked incredibly well, and assigned all of its bets on the show. Two decades later and Spongebob has earned 13 billion dollars in merchandise revenue, over 250 episodes, and two successful feature films from 2004 and 2015 plus a third set to release this year, 2020. It would be insufferable to be a consistent viewer of the channel, since for 20 years straight all you see is never-ending Spongebob episodes. Sadly, Nickelodeon lost any and all variety, and by the 2010s, it was practically a Spongebob marathon every day.

The “first kids network” has had audiences retort it and resort to it throughout the years, and this decade, sadly, it’s definitely been trashed on more than being a creative dominion like days of old. But Nickelodeon hasn’t completely lost all the marbles, since they still offer stellar series’ like The Loud House and Harvey Beaks while also providing The Splat on TeenNick. The Nickelodeon we knew from our childhood may be dead, but I think it’s slowly improving; I’m optimistic for its future.

Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick, Nickelodeooooooon!

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NEXT | “Tis But a Scratch” … The HOLY GRAIL!

Were Remakes Always a Bad Idea? Sequel Speculation – LightTrain

Ahoy, I’m your conductor Gavin Nowak here again today with a topic that is circling many people’s heads – What’s with all these reboots? I want to delve deeper into the subject, specifying how these kinds of movies can be done well and why they’re being pumped out at remarkable rates. Let’s get this show on the road!

Now, what is a remake? Well, to put it simply, it’s a series or theatrical production that is based off a past property which is commonly done to update the original for a modern audience. While this isn’t an issue in the least, like many things, it has been twisted and exploited by the Hollywood business in order to cash in. Yes, I understand that these executives and the production team most likely have families to provide for, but instead of taking the easy route why not make a film that’s actually good. This way, positive buzz, awards shows and cult followings will possibly earn you more in the long term, plus you’ll be proud that you created something which is looked fondly upon decades later. Yeah, those Disney live-action adaptations may have scored big but everyone will undoubtedly return to the classics, leaving them, to quote Roy Batty from Blade Runner , ” … lost in time, like tears in rain .” Sorry, I couldn’t help it!

Am I saying all sequels and reboots are trash? Not necessarily. These flicks can be done well, although it is a very elegant procedure. In the first, establish the setting, our characters, and of course have them overcome whatever obstacles may be in their path. With a sequel, reveal a fact unbeknownst to our protagonists before, as to expand the world, mythos or offer some backstory. In Aliens, Lt. Ripley encounters the Weyland -Yutani marines and the alien queen, in Toy Story 2, Woody discovers he was the star of a television program titled “Woody’s Roundup”. The list includes many others, but these were just a few worthy examples.

To successfully cook up a solid revival you must swap out the original’s minor story beats and characters to refresh it. Plain and simple, but one element that should never be affiliated with the concept is remaking a acclaimed flick. It there is nothing relatively weighing the movie down then there is no real reason to attempt to “update” it since it’s not necessary. It’s like, per say, washing your clothes and throwing in a clean t shirt you found on the floor. Rather, why not use this process on low budget or trashy films? I mean, this is to improve upon the original work, is it not?

In the end though, I just want studios with more authentic features which is crafted by a crew whom are passionate about the project. After all, many of those cult classics and most beloved movies ever released experimented with a unique concept that payed off. Dr. Strangelove, Forrest Gump, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Pulp Fiction, The Matrix. Even Star Wars started out as an independent feature with a maverick director and an unknown cast destined to flop: look where it is now. So in conclusion, remakes aren’t leaving any time soon, but those creative pieces of cinema that explore different outlooks on culture or just keep you laughing the whole way will become those genuine gems we continue to watch for years to come.

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NEXT | THE RISE AND DEMISE OF NICKELODEON

“Great Scott! “: The Back to the Future Trilogy Review – LightTrain

This is heavy. What’s new, I’m your conductor Gavin Nowak and earlier this week I was transported to an alternate reality through a jar of Peter Pan™ peanut butter. There were many differences between this universe and our own, like Pinky and the Brain finally took over the world and initiated global peace. After I marveled at this world ‘s wonders, the whole situation reminded me greatly of Back to the Future Part II. When I returned home, I considered reviewing the Back to the Future Trilogy, but what sealed the deal was a blogging friend of mine, Matt Kaster, suggested to his readers rewatch the original movie in one of his posts. Alright then, I am up for the challenge. So grab your hoverboards and jam out to ‘Johnny B. Goode ‘ because this is my review of the classic film franchise! Let’s get this show on the road.

BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)

Set in 1985 Hill Valley, California, an easygoing teenager named Marty McFly gets himself in a bit of a jammy. After escaping in his mad scientist friend Dr. Emmet Brown’s time-traveling Delorean, he ends up thirty years in the past, and must be assisted by that time periods Brown to return to the present. Things become complicated when Marty’s future mother gets the hots for him, threatening his very existence. Can Marty reconcile his parents, take down his father’s bully Biff and reach the exact speed and position in the Delorean to travel back to 1985?

The defining quality of Back to the Future is it’s enduring protagonists Marty McFly and Doc Brown. With the added bonus of a seamless chemistry between the two very opposite friends, each has their friendly demeanor and mannerisms that make them relatable and easy to root for their cause. You want Marty to return to the future and by the satisfying finale you’re filled with suspense and crossing your fingers, hoping the effort is fruitful. It’s also remarkably written by the genius duo Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale, blending all the ingredients for a perfect sci-fi adventure for children and adults alike: whimsy, humour, action, inventive ideas, and just the right amount of seriousness.

Back to the Future is a cornerstone of pure 80s spirit served to us in a inventive manner and with a raw sense of comedic one-liners and a tall tale ripped out of a retro comic book to fun and entertaining results.

RATING: 9/10


BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II (1989)

Immediately following the return from his accidental adventure, Marty McFly is yet again convinced by Dr. Emmet Brown to be sent throughout the timeframe. This time, he must play the role of his son in 2015 to prevent him from arrest. Easy as pie, right. Well, things get a bit confusing when this future timeline alters the present Hill Valley into a corrupt dystopia. Behold as Emmet and Marty travel back to 1955 for a second go to fix the changes made in the alternate 1985… without intervening with the events of the first film of course!

With all the glory surrounding the original, it seems almost unrealistic that this installment would possibly reach its ranks. But that wouldn’t be a worthy comparison, so how does Part 2 stand as a totally separate feature? The best way to describe it is a very watchable family adventure, but too glum and sporadically repulsive to become a true classic. When compared with the first, it honestly depends on your tastes. While the original was mostly stationary and slow-burning, which makes the climax all the more thrilling, this time around it feels like its on constant fast-forward. One of the consistent good qualities about Part 2 are the performances, specifically those of Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, whom are full of effort and genuine engagement in the film they’re in. However, the pacing is a blunder to sit through. It feels like a rapid fire game of Bop It, with no reflection on what kind of madhouse they’re in.

Instead of expanding the world or mythos like any second installment should do, Back to the Future Part II offers up a few “What if?” scenarios. Despite decent acting, this flick lacks any soul, to me it’s like a jab to the gut, you’re probably better off without it.

RATING: 7/10


BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III(1990)

Stranded in 1955, Marty acquires a written note from Dr. Brown, who informs him the location of the Delorean and the unfortunate fact that he is stuck in 1955. In the time machine, Marty warps to an old western town where Emmet has gotten tangled up with a gang of thugs led by Biff’s great grandfather and has fallen for a schoolteacher. Using the technology of the time, Marty and Doc must make one final effort to travel back to the future!

Back to the Future Part 3 revives the heart of the trilogy after being almost completely absent from the previous time-traveling escapade, restoring the charm of the first again. Now from what I understand, audiences are split on whether 2 or 3 is the superior sequel, but I personally enjoy this one levels above the second as it is a much more simpler and satisfactory. Also, I want to see more westerns that are fused with another genre, for instance, this flick or Westworld, which is about androids going haywire at a Wild West themed amusement park. No movies spotless of even the most wee of stains, and for Part 3 it’s definitely the sets. It seemed rather cheap and recycled from some 1960s western show. I had zero doubts, nonetheless, that the performances would be pitch perfect for this third swing, with Michael J. Fox, newcomer Mary Steenburgen, and Christopher Lloyd most of all, along with the latter duo’s moments being undeniably adorable.

Back to the Future Part III reduces the volume of Part II’s vigor as well as the unrelenting pacing, wrapping up the brilliant franchise with a neat little ending that will surely leave audiences contented.

RATING: 8/10


BACK TO THE FUTURE: The Animated Series (1991-1992)

Just when you thought the ventures were over, watch as the enterprises continue on Saturday mornings! Dr. Emmet Brown has settled down in a farm located in Hill Valley with his wife Clara and their two young sons Jules and Verne as to keep in touch with his good friend Marty McFly. Learn about scientific studies with Bill Nye, see what the dastardly Biff is up to, and travel through time itself time and time again every episode!

Resting in the category of cartoons that originated from a popular blockbuster that you’ve wiped clean out of your memory with ‘The Mummy’, ‘Jumanji’ and ‘Teen Wolf ‘, Back to the Future: The Animated Series is a shockingly low-level continuation of the pop culture phenomenon. The most aggravating factor of the show is that the personalities we remember so fondly have been twisted: Doc is played well enough by Dan Castellaneta (notable for voicing a good chunk of the characters from The Simpsons) to be given a pass, but Marty… just no with him. Sucked of his quick problem solving skills and filtering that out in turn for him to be “comically” slow witted , Marty may be the greatest sin the series ever did.

This poorly written series is somewhat an insult to the films, with only a single whisp of effort or originality to go around. With all do respect to the segments with Biff and Bill Nye, whom can juice out short-term interest and even a few chuckles, I would recommend the Universal Studios Ride as a more worthy sequel then this dumpster fire any day.

RATING: 6/10


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February 2020 Month In Quiz (Jurassic World III, WandaVision, Joss Whedon)

Do you have the wits to enter the pit and answer these ten movie and TV questions? If so, welcome back to the second edition of the Month in Quiz. Holy mackerel, it’s already the end of February? Feels like it just began last week! Below this intro is the ultimate round-up of the media news from the previous 28 days. Only the few folks wisest in the ways of pop culture will achieve the coveted title of a perfect score, but even the readers whom are floundering in this knowledge can still take a gander at the most likely pick.

But now, behold, there is a rather unique present for the tip toppers. If you manage to triumph over at least 8 of the 10 questions featured, I will send you a drawing of your choosing made by me myself-No joke! All that’s required to receive an illustration is to: A) Comment your answers for the quiz in the comments section at the bottom of the post before March 5; B) If you score a total of eight of more points according to the results (which are attached to this post on the deadline), email me what you would like your drawing to be and add your address so I can mail the art piece straight to your doorstep.

Well, you’ve heard me ramble on enough. Let’s begin with the quiz at hand, shall we!

  1. Jurassic World III is being released this July. Now, what is the official full name of the film?
  • Jurassic World: Extinction
  • The Jurassic World
  • Jurassic World: Dominion
  • Jurassic World: When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

2. Another remake based on the classic black-and-white flick Bride of Frankenstein is in development. What was the “bride’s” defining quality?

  • Her remarkably snarky attitude
  • She was a TV personality
  • Her ability to presumably glide over the ground’s surface
  • Her out-of-control and poofy hairdo

3. Which one of these fast food chains has jokingly banned Joss Whedon from their stores to show their support for Zack Snyder’s cut of Justice League?

  • Subway
  • White Castle
  • Fuddruckers
  • Panda Express

4. No Time to Die, the latest James Bond adventure, will have a wide release on April 10. Which modern hit artist will have their version of the iconic theme in the movie?

  • Billie Eilish
  • The Cars
  • Cage the Elephant
  • Silversun Pickups

5. Which of the following long running BBC shows is not in danger of being cancelled, despite declining ratings?

  • The Sky at Night
  • Dr. Who
  • EastEnders
  • Mastermind

6. WandaVision is a upcoming Disney+ exclusive series influenced by retro sitcoms such as ‘Bewitched’. Which two rival shows did Bewitched tie with in the ratings for it’s 6th season?

  • The Beverly Hillbillies and Captain Kangaroo
  • NBC Saturday Night at the Movies and The F.B.I
  • Mission: Impossible and The Red Skelton Show
  • Clutch Cargo and Daktari

7. Robert Englund would be interested to return to voice act for what animated version of this popular horror movie character?

  • Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
  • Norman Bates (Psycho)
  • Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
  • Michael Myers (Halloween)

8. Season 3 of the critically acclaimed series Westworld is premiering on HBO March 15. So now for the million dollar question, what is HBO an acronym for?

  • HyperBole Only
  • High Brow Order
  • Hawaiian Broadcasting Outlet
  • Home Box Office

9. Which film genre is Bob’s Burgers: The Movie spoofing in it’s very own feature?

  • Road Trip Comedies
  • Musicals
  • B-Movies
  • Biopics

10. You’re almost complete with the quiz! But first and finally, which cast member from the series The Office has an idea for a reunion special?

  • Brian Baumgartner/Kevin Malone
  • Jenna Fischer/Pam Beesly
  • Rainn Wilson/Dwight Schrute
  • John Krasinski/Jim Halpert

Write your answers down below by Thursday, March 5th at 10:00pm Pacific Time

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