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Octerror 2020 Event and Blog Updates [October 2020]

Welcome back to the Train, friend! Here to kick off the new month is a freshly baked update post for you. Hey, I just thought of something. Now, I love food. While it wouldn’t be my career choice, I do thoroughly enjoy cooking and such. I noticed that I tend to use food and its phrases metaphorically speaking many times on the Train. In light of this, I challenge you guys on a scavenger hunt type thing to hunt down and comment on this update post all the various times I bring up food throughout my reviews. Good luck to those who… actually desire to do so! Man, off to a great start, aren’t we?

Any who, on the topic of announcements! As it is the Halloween season, the entire month is going to be a marathon of spook-filled reviews and whatnot. Of course, one episode of Out of Order where I’ll share a few of my favorite Halloween themed Tv specials, including the classics and even one or two odd picks as well. Thankfully, there’s more Thursdays in October because of the first day being, you guessed it, that one day. We’ll kick things off with a review of Joe Dante’s Matinee this Thursday; don’t miss it!

The Train is additionally nearing 100 grand passengers soon, so keep spreading the word! I have something incredibly special indeed planned for that special post, trust me on that.

Otherwise, I wish you the best on your journey, whatever that may be. Stay stellar, and g’ night!

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What is Lighttrain?

Welcome aboard friends and travellers alike to the LightTrain! I’m your conductor, but you can call me Gavin if you prefer. I am open to feedback on my features so I can improve upon it.

I have a fixation with film and cartooning, and those things combined with my great writing and a unconvincing backstory make Lighttrain! My favorite things include films and vintage adverts, a good slice of cornbread (or a pan for that matter!), people, book stores, comics, and writing for you guys! I’m a sucker for the blend of the whimsical and dark humour. I play games like X-wing and Dungeons and Dragons often, as well. For my taste in music, I adore such bands as: The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, They Might Be Giants, Journey, Death Cab for Cutie, Foo Fighters, Mumford and Sons, and too much more to count.

The Lighttrain isn’t all film though. We also occasionally cover video games, magazines, television and such. Every Thursday is a new post, so stay tuned! Our shows include Reviews, which are exactly what they sound like; Out of Order, a monthly series usually counting down a top five list or covering lost media; add some updates every month, short stories, art and marathons like our annual Octerror, themed review blocks, and exploitation trailer trash and sprinkle those in there as well.

Thank you for reading and maybe check out a review if you would like to. And if you choose to follow the train by punching yourself a ticket then thank you once again for supporting my work. Have a excellent rest of your day and stay stellar!

*last edited by G.h Nowak on November 13, 2020*

Pixar Films Ranked (From Toy Story to Inside Out 2)

Howdy, and welcome back to my ever-dormant outlet for writing about anything that I can loosely tie back into film. So, one of my recurring series of write-ups has focused on reviewing every film from the innovative and long-renowned Pixar Animation Studio, and although they will continue to march on with upcoming sequels with the most blatant of motives (too many original movies can do that to you, unfortunately), I figured I would finish what I started.

Today, I’m going to rank every Pixar film – starting wit Toy Story up until Inside Out 2 – starting with the bottom of the metaphorical barrel and working our way up the ladder towards my favorite from their pristine catalog. To be honest, my list has been shuffled, re-examined, revised and lingered upon. I pieced together that the horse was dead after kicking it for what was, I assume, far too long. I’m just going to take a swing at it, even if my arbitrary hierarchy of the movies crumbles apart tomorrow. To preface with added context, the studio maintains such a high standard that the films are still relatively decent as early as #24. In a similar vein, their animation is always superb, so for the sake of conciseness I’m not going to mention that aspect unless it stands apart from the other films in some way, good or bad. And if you disagree with anything here, chances are you’re right.


KEEP IN MIND: There will be mild spoilers for numerous entries. If you are interested in checking any of these films out completely blind, tread with caution!


Let’s get rolling with…

28. Lightyear (2022)

For all five of you out there who have actually seen this, I willingly fall on my knees with the plea that we can all admit that Lightyear was a total waste of time. The animation, which is breathtakingly gorgeous throughout every film on this list, is arguably at its least impressive here. In its pursuit of pain-staking hyper-realism, the personality suffocates underneath the sleek, dispassionate polish. Nothing about this felt like an artistic vision. You can’t convince me that any writers or directors infused their own personal flair to the project. The Hail Mary identity twist was dead on arrival, the cast and characters leave no impression, and the story thoughtlessly copies off of Interstellar‘s notes. Hell, the conceit of the film barely checks out: this is an in-universe movie that propelled Andy to adorn his bedroom with Buzz Lightyear merchandise. Apparently the kid is very easily impressed.

27. The Good Dinosaur (2015)

Throwing away any awe-inspiring or inventive stories you can utilize with “dinosaurs never went extinct”, The Good Dinosaur is overly devoted to playing every plot beat directly by the book that it drums up very little intrigue or depth. As a bog-standard western for young kids, it functions… hallucination scene notwithstanding.

26. Elemental (2023)

At least this one’s built up an appreciative audience, but in my eyes Elemental was a misfire (pun unashamedly intended). I feel bad, somewhat, since it’s clearly earnest. Still, in their ongoing efforts to breath emotions into unexpected entities, the creative heads formulated their most contrived concept yet: a city with a populace of personified elements. The idea irrevocably evaporated (*wink wink*) into little more than a gimmick while its clumsy metaphor fell apart at the seams. It’s ho-hum to watch, even when the central couple is just cute enough. I don’t buy their watered-down relationship, though, and for any romance that’s essentially a death sentence. So, yeah. Now, if only I could come up with an earth-based pun… then this entry would be rock solid.

25. Cars 2 (2011)

In one of the most baffling plunges from grace in Hollywood history, Pixar followed up a critically-acclaimed hot streak (for context, both Up and Toy Story 3 were nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars) with a Cars sequel that moronically (or, for politeness’ sake, boldly) positioned tow truck Mater as the unaware protagonist of a spy thriller. Leaning into arduous fish out of water comedy and a ludicrous plot targeting alternative oil, this installment is often considered the benchmark of Pixar’s failures but narrowly champed over the bottom three simply thanks to its ludicrous existence and its brisk action. If I am enduring a bad movie, it should at least have rockets, explosions, a torture scene and a ticking time bomb.

24. Cars 3 (2017)

The mounting senescence of a now-tentative Lightning McQueen is touched on without a shred of self-importance. By extension, it doesn’t attempt to reinvent the wheel, almost apologetically so as it divorces the film further from the feverish crash-boom-bang of Cars 2. It does away with the small-town sentiment of the original, even. The routine narrative is bare-bones, but it frees up room to comment on the relationship between trainees and mentors, cohesive with the original film’s greatest facet. Still, when all is said and done, it’s really only about as good as a movie entitled Cars 3 would have been.

23. Brave (2012)

Taking a hand at the textbook narrative of a young princess longing to break out of her privileged cage, it’s difficult not to feel that this feels somewhat ill-suited to the studio. Not helping matters is the otherwise predictable proceedings veering off into a direction that encourages an eye-roll. This also has probably my least favorite characters of any other Pixar film, as apart from the fierce and strong-willed Merida everyone is either unmemorable or irritating. On the plus side, this boasts an atmospheric setting with its Celtic score, eerie folktales and gorgeous green highlands shrouded in mist. I also enjoy how the plot – in a refreshing change of pace – hinges on our protagonist majorly screwing up, where they are solely to blame, and having to then put in the effort to clean up the resulting clutter.

22. Onward (2020)

A glut of unneeded sequels and many accusations of resting on their laurels later, Pixar had a string of one-off originals, kicking off with the unassertive Onward. Establishing a fantasy world that fell into our modern trappings is engaging on the page, but doesn’t quite result in too many sparks. Instead, it’s more concerned around a road trip with two contrasting brothers and the disembodied legs of their resurrected father (sporting a Weekend at Bernie’s inspired upper half, no less). All the physical humor utilized with the sentient legs is amusing, and its emotional payoff is stirring, but the movie never soars.

21. A Bug’s Life (1998)

The studio’s sophomore effort settles in the lower half of this ranking not so much as a result of its charmingly old-fashioned universality and more because many of their following entries have surpassed it. As a whole, A Bug’s Life falls back on the overly familiar. Of course the bumbling social pariah gets ensnared in good-intentioned, snowballing lies trying to make up for a misjudgment. Naturally, the little guys triumph over their oppressors. The animation here that, for the original date, was state of the art has not aged with the same grace. It exists comfortably – and the bugs dabbling in faux-mutilations matches the distinct dark humor found in the proceeding Toy Story – but I can only discuss it for a moment before my indifference shows.

20. Incredibles 2 (2018)

Kicking into high gear roughly a couple of seconds after the final shot of 2004’s The Incredibles, the second go-around with the super family is far and away the most underdeveloped Pixar film by a gross margin. Exciting evolutions from the first backslide posthaste, leaving the plot to feel regressive, as is the villain’s convoluted plot to disrupt the reintroduction of the extraordinary crime-fighters. In a baffling case, writer-director Brad Bird almost sounds like he sides with the villain’s case, one which superficially sounds clever but doesn’t hold any ground (they condemn average joe-schmoes for relying completely on supers… ???) and to which our heroes have no voiced counter argument. The amped-up anticipation building towards this did the final product no favors, either. Throughout the shaky plotting and dissolved potential, Incredibles 2 is not without its moments: the intrinsic hilarity of the intemperate, über-dynamic baby Jack-Jack (and his brawl with a panicked, pilfering raccoon, naturally!), the vigorous action sequences, and devoting a fair majority of its heavy lifting to Helen, a.k.a Elastigirl, an inspired choice that paid off in spades. Plus, more Edna Mode is always a treat, dahling!

19. Turning Red (2022)

Among the recent efforts to display evocative adolescent struggles from the studio (Onward, Luca, and the Inside Out duology), it’s undeniable that Domee Shi’s Turning Red is a labor of love. It’s deeply personal, awash in cultural context, and boundless in its personality. The animation takes a more cartoony approach, excelling with its expressiveness. I want to love this movie, truly, although what holds me back can’t be fully blamed on the film. I related to moments here and there, but on the whole I connected with the tempestuous relationship between mother and daughter and the pressure of holding together a double life very little. Other flaws I have include the momentum gradually sputtering out and the overwrought climax, in particular.

18. Toy Story 4 (2019)

Stirring an eruptive outcry that cut off the movie’s legs as early as the teaser, Toy Story 4 is masterfully crafted and ultimately doesn’t do much to corrode the trilogy’s tidy ending. Then again, it doesn’t do too much of anything. The cash cow passes, even if only by the skin of its teeth, with a unique carnival / antique shop setting, diverting secondary players (Keanu Reeves’ Canadian stuntman is a riot), and the existential terror a newly-adorned plastic spork cross-examines. Whether this was the unlikely home run that fully rounded out Woody’s progression or not, I honestly haven’t reached a position, but it is engaging to see a character as steady and stubbornly planted in his convictions as Woody looking inward, feeling that his worth is long fulfilled and his position in life aimless.

17. Finding Dory (2016)

Never has the tantamount mirroring between a film and its sequel been more apparent then it is in Finding Dory, not helped by the screenwriters retreading plenty of gags and moments you could have sworn you’ve seen in Nemo. The adventurous scale felt flimsy and unconvincingly convenient here. Having said that, it is a lot of me to ask to somehow heighten traversing across the overwhelming, obscure majesty of the ocean. To steer away from unfairly leaving this a victim of comparison, I thought the exploration of themes regarding disability and memory was handled nicely, culminating in a masterwork of visual storytelling. Once again, you’re going to need a Kleenex box on standby. Hank, the antisocial septopus who eventually opens up his heart, is probably the only character I’ve seen (sea animal or otherwise) whose motivation is to go live in Cleveland, Ohio. I just thought that was funny.

16. Monsters University (2013)

Mired by the perpetual looming of frat house antics, I feel as though Monsters University‘s efforts to fill in Mike and Sully’s backstories was nevertheless worth the glance and sufficiently added to their roles from the first. It’s easy to lose oneself in the passable team building and the chafing egos that run on for a substantial duration of the middle, but it has a killer resolution: a sympathetic and cathartic deconstruction of the worn-out success story, where a plucky protagonist fails to measure up to their faraway ambitions.

15. Inside Out 2 (2024)

Their most recent performance where I’m at, Inside Out 2 is another surprisingly not-awful follow-up for a film of theirs that didn’t need it. This suffers from the oh-so-common sequel dilemma of emulating the original plot beats to repetitious extent, but it maintains a strong sense of visual fidelity and back-and-forth, while the arrival of the doggedly hectic and misguided Anxiety puts the emotion’s overreaching control into perspective. From the brain storm of swirling bulbs to the containment of all the bygone childhood fixations we would much rather ignore, it delivers a slew of fun creative gags that bring to mind the interminable opportunities of Toy Story, on top of mixing up the dynamics established before.

14. Cars (2006)

Rising athletic superstar accustoms to small town livin’ in the laconically-titled Cars, an endeavor that doesn’t need to concern itself as much with excelling story-wise when the merchandise alone guarantees a financial winner. It’s a decent time viewed through rose-tinted glasses, and portrays, ironically, a reminiscent longing for lapsed Americana. At the very least it gets brownie points for having the daring to center around someone not fundamentally benign or big-hearted (Woody from the classic Toy Story is the only other contender, though Inside Out‘s domineering Joy is in the hot seat). Plus, I don’t care, that soundtrack is stacked.

13. Soul (2020)

What I secretly hoped could have been an incredible slice-of-life made electrifying and robust through animation instead meanders off into the metaphysical realm, a place that fittingly doubles as soothing and somewhat unnerving. The entire middle section – thoughtful conversations between Joe’s fortuitously hijacked body and his numerous acquaintances aside (okay, there’s a great joke in there about the New York Knicks, too) – is a little underwhelming. Another shortcoming worth a mention is that the pay-off to Tina Fey’s irreverent soul feels hurried, while the last minute switcheroo might be perceived as a cheap sidestep. Still, the film takes an admirably massive swing by touching upon the human condition and the true purpose of our lives, and the tuneful accumulation of those themes is within Pixar’s most achingly profound.

12. Luca (2021)

Luca largely does away with the grandiose, abstract ventures and misty-eyed emotional sucker punches Pixar is notorious for. In its place is an adorable assortment of vignettes depicting relaxed adolescence, only with the wrinkle of our two sportive leads being disguised sea-monsters. To be honest, I approached this with expectations tempered, but caught myself consistently charmed. Worth mentioning is how mundane the kids’ utmost goals are in both this and Turning Red – owning a reasonably priced Vespa scooter and attending a once-in-a-lifetime boy band concert, respectively – which I feel plays into the casual magnetism. As if my compliments weren’t already rapturous, this is in definite competition with the Land of the Dead presented in Coco for most lived-in locale, as well.

11. Inside Out (2015)

Pixar snapped out of a streak of ill-received movies with this conceptually-driven, microscale powerhouse. An argument could be made that this may have only received glowing write-ups of second coming of Christ proportions directly due to that losing streak, but I sincerely feel like it was cleverly explored and, yes, deeply emotional. Frankly, the inventiveness as it stands is deserving of the acclaim, not solely for the meticulous flourishes but for the visual language that helps young audiences wrap their heads around complex cerebral ideas. The casting of the emotion quintet is dead-on with the likes of Amy Poehler and, most riotously, Lewis Black representing Anger. And you can’t overlook the comedic highlight of the maintenance workers routinely plaguing the head honchos up in headquarters with a television jingle. It would be a shoo-in for their last decade’s most exceptional triumph but for two things: a fool’s errand that weighs down its already slapdash second act, and the overall tonal messiness, an issue that rears its ugly head in many of writer-director Pete Doctor’s projects (Soul and Up).

10. Coco (2017)

My pick for the studio’s strongest outing of recent years perpetuated many of the untidy midsections that askew too many Pixar features, but when it eased into a steadier pace it worked wonders. Foremost, it’s a celebratory tour through the gripping culture of Mexico, leaving very few stones unturned and painting it all in a rich, radiant palette. Par for the course, it doesn’t exactly take a genius to piece together the never-meet-your-heroes reveal, yet the sweeping journey of encompassing generations consistently keeps viewers on their toes. The opening stretch building up to Miguel’s admittance into the breathtaking Land of the Dead winds up languidly, but from there on out it is a joy, capped off by an irrefutable tearjerker right when you thought you would walk out of the experience without welling up.

9. Toy Story (1995)

Instantly hailed as a phenomenon, Toy Story at the very least deserves kudos for laying out the foundation for animated films to delve beyond musically-driven folk tales. Maybe more than anything is the years and years of bullish imitators that – with the modest exception of the stinging spoof Shrek – never fully distinguished themselves. Best of all, the story is indeed one that could only be told from the perspective of toys, as action figure entrant Buzz Lightyear, tricked out with gizmos and under fallacious cosmic duty, inflames the rancorous envy of ace-high cowboy rag doll Woody. I just adore that an excellent, hilarious film exists that stars both a cowboy and a space man alongside each other. Before I continue forward, I have to admit it’s so fascinating to me that kids growing up around the time of the Toy Story films likely had to confront anxieties that not only are their toys having discussions in their absence, but they may also have the potential to be spitefully jealous towards each other and are devastated when you unceremoniously forsake them.

8. Up (2009)

I get the accusations asserting that the oft-unvoiced Married Life montage – possibly the single greatest scene an animated film has ever aroused – set the bar to heights the rest of the film could never rival. So staggeringly was the eventual escalation into armies of talking dogs aboard a drifting blimp that it’s difficult to have faith that Up would stick the landing. And yet, it delivers. The thrilling adventure that whisks away curmudgeonly Carl Fredricksen (shout out to the magnificent Ed Asner) rides the line between fanciful and menacing with exhilarating cohesion. What entirely diffuses this from being an otherwise surefire contender for the prestigious top five is how loosely the remorseful ruminations at its core are woven into the adventure. On one last note, even by the standards of his own captivating career, the musical score here from the virtuoso Michael Giacchino is his masterpiece.

7. The Incredibles (2004)

A razor-sharp overhaul of the superhero subgenre long before those sorts of movies swamped the box office, Brad Bird’s The Incredibles packs a whole lot of power into such a compact package. Simmering underneath the surface of formidable action is a stellar plot: a middle-aged man, ripped away from his vocation, falls back into old habits and, in the process, embroils his family in the perilous plot of a megalomaniac he had an unintentional hand in forming. It deftly and brilliantly tackles its baseline themes, yes, but it is the gutsier of those beats that jolts the film; it grapples with a midlife crisis, illustrates a failed suicide attempt, makes wink-wink allusions to infidelity and a revitalized sex life, and hauntingly showcases a curve ball villain whose fifteen-year grudge prompts an unrelenting string of murders on Mr. Incredible’s former colleagues. Stealing the show, humorously enough, is assured fashion designer Edna Mode in an unforgettable minor role that hammered home the impracticality of capes.

6. Toy Story 3 (2010)

The creeping anxieties of eventual abandonment that were touched on in Toy Story 2 are finally faced as Andy’s toys – whittled down and long-retired – land in a daycare under a tyrannical command. It marvelously propels the adventure aspect of its predecessor, tossing the characters into a harrowing, prison break-style plot, while amplifying the sentimentality to heart-rending extremes. The whole cast gets their moment, and the villain is one of Pixar’s most decidedly sinister. Truthfully the only thing holding this back from a perfect score are a pile-up of holes poked throughout (How did the aliens get to the claw or even know how to operate it? How did a television set crushing Buzz revert him back to normal? How did Slinky Dog get down from the magnetic ceiling conveyor belt? etc.) I also personally don’t care much for Buzz en Español, which was funny at first but wore out quickly. Mr. Tortilla Head, on the other hand…

5. Toy Story 2 (1999)

My opinions towards the Toy Story trilogy shift around all the time because they are all of interchangeably pristine quality. But, hey, I’ll champion Toy Story 2. The themes here are nuanced to the utmost degree as we are hurdled into a dilemma where there aren’t easy answers and Woody is torn. Now that I think about it, is the imagery of Woody’s right arm – rendered limp by a sudden snag – a visual nod? Even so, the follow-up curbed the persistent notion of a sequel’s inferiority with more laughs, an absorbing meditation on the inevitability of time chipping away, and a slew of set pieces so memorable that it reaches Finding Nemo levels (yard sale, crossing the road, cheese puff mine field, the Barbie aisle, the airport, etc.). Moreover, it’s a delight to touch on novelties such as black-and-white adventure serials, collectors dedicated to toy memorabilia, and Toys “R” Us-esque retailers that tickle our nostalgia bone. Most vitally, how could one forget Jessie’s backstory, set to the stunning voice of Sarah McLachlan?: a moment of dejected candor that pioneered Pixar’s propensity for tearjerkers. Toy Story set off the modern computer animated era – illustrious, absolutely – but it was the sequel that proved that Pixar would have staying power for its emotional resonance.

4. Finding Nemo (2003)

Encapsulating each of the hallmarks of a Pixar paragon, the breadth, vibrancy, and hazy ambiance of the gorgeous deep sea undertaking Finding Nemo is a definite all-rounder. Something about the feat feels simultaneously delicate and crushingly massive while Marlin, a total bundle of nerves, strains himself to locate his abducted son. To revisit this tremendous achievement is to notice that its scenes have lingered in the back of our minds, from abstaining sharks to surfer-brah turtles. Also deep-seated is feeling the pangs of a cheery blue tang who is unaware of all the loved ones and experiences that have eluded her and a introverted clownfish appalled by the presumption that he has nothing left.

3. Monsters, Inc. (2001)

The world developed for Monsters, Inc. is so insanely imaginative that it astounds: the dreaded monsters that lurk within children’s closets are simply on their nine-to-five, working for an electrical plant that powers its city via human screams collected in golden-yellow canisters. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? The film itself is perhaps the best instance of balancing laughs, character, and intrigue, reinforced by an unsnarling conspiracy, one that cleverly employs the twist villain trope by mitigating any hunch with the sneering presence of a more evident evildoer. And in a sphere of films with outstanding odd couples each with the validity to secure top spot, I’ve got to give it to Sully and Mike, who effortlessly maintain the sort of authentic back-and-forth that recalls classic straight man / wise guy comedy duos.

2. Ratatouille (2007)

After initially seeming to thwart what promise it had with, of all things, a hashed out voice-over narration from the lead character, Ratatouille achieved the unthinkable by somehow telling its absurd premise with the intelligence and depth of a thoughtful indie film. Slowly but surely, it emerged as a sensation, thriving in being a gripping study of both the societal and familial expectations towering over artists as well as the predatory managers hungry to callously, undeservedly profit off of their talent. Boasting some of cinema’s most ingenious physical comedy and a Parisian atmosphere that dazzles, Ratatouille is a comfort dish I am always eager to return to, massively inspiring as a creator and humbling as a pessimistic critic.

1. Wall-E (2008)

Here we are: my personal favorite. It may not possess the seminal nostalgia of Toy Story or the inventive world building of Monsters Inc., but it strikes a chord with me on a level unlike any other. The stomach-turning backdrop of our desolate Earth polluted by rife consumerism, and that same avarice mindlessly continuing long after, doesn’t seem to promise much beyond dismal. Yet, in the face of human horrors, a charming little robot brings life. He scrapes by in the lonesome, organizing his baubles, refurbishing worn-out parts, and yearning hopelessly for a mechanical hand to hold. WALL-E is soon spirited away to a galactic cruiser carrying the planet’s corpulent populace, their eyes glued permanently to their screens. I feel like this is where the film loses a lot of people, but I still enjoy it a ton. The manners in which WALL-E ignites those around them – such as the faulty androids rebelling, a pint-sized bot entirely obsessed with mopping up the trail of dirt left behind, and the initially glazed captain feeding into his curiosity and growing more and more passionate about Earth and its bygone culture – range from adorable to rousing. The main antagonist being a coldly rational, draconian artificial intelligence really is the cherry on top. Wall-E juxtaposes a bleak future with a tender heart, showing that, even in the darkest of times, there remains beauty, tenacity and love.


Well, there’s my list! I’m tired. This was waaayy to long, dude. Thank you for reading until the end; it means a lot to me.

Awooga! Looking Back on Our Cinematic Crushes

Hey, this is your conductor reporting in. Romance isn’t difficult to find on television or radio, on the page or the silver screen. It permeates and persists throughout all forms of media, and it’s a given that the love craze catches up to us. We’ve all been there: you’re at a friends’ place, there’s drinks and snacks to go around, and you pop in a movie to pass the time. An unfamiliar face appears. A funny feeling stirs from deep within you… there’s no doubt about it, you’re absolutely smitten!

So, what better time than a bound-to-be-belated Valentine’s Day to share all about the cinematic stunners who left us with balmy palms and tied-up tongues. Today, you’ll hear brief excerpts from family and friends, along with my own input. Despite a tendency to stuff my posts with plenty to wade through, I’ve kept this one short and sweet. Let’s hear from my contributors first:


Some movie crushes from my childhood memory would be Sandra Bullock (pictured top, far left)… not mine, but my friend Robin’s. I remember he was from Canada and I met him at Kamiak HS. He was a huge Sandra fan and blushed when mentioned.

Another would be Demi Moore (pictured top, second to left). I remember many friends’ infatuation with her because of the role she played being hazed by fictional SEALs. Not a movie but… Saved by the Bell fans all had crushed on Tiffani Amber Thiessen! She was an ideal poster child for school spirit and positive outlooks (pictured top, second to right).

The boys playing ball on the diamond loved Wendy Peffercorn from The Sandlot (pictured top, far right). Marley Eve Shelton was every boy’s first kiss summer crush fantasy. Also from a show some know, Friends had Jennifer Aniston as Rachel (pictured bottom, left). And we all knew we were cooler than Ross, so we had a chance.

Two of my personal crushed were Jessica Alba (pictured bottom, middle) and Jodie Sweetin (pictured bottom, right). I enjoyed Jessica’s character in the movie Into the Blue and Jodie’s portrayal of middle daughter Stephanie Tanner in Full House.

Chris


If you know me well enough, you already know where my heart lies on this individualized topic. I am particularly drawn to characters who live outside the social box, and are not easily swayed by other peoples opinion of them. These types are highly relatable to me, capturing my heart in a way no other character can. Heath Ledger’s portrayal of a love-struck rebel in the film 10 Things I Hate About You will always be my top cinema crush. His larger than life smile, his effortless style, and his many expressions of tender romance make him ultra special and highly lovable.

Erin


There are at least three characters from different movies that I, brother, would consider some of my film crushes. These are not necessarily in order of how attractive they are:

  • Ally Sneedy from the 1985 movie The Breakfast Club, as Allison (pictured left)
  • Sally Hawkins (pictured middle) from The Shape of Water, or from Submarine
  • Last but not least – from one of my favorite movies ever – Claire Grogan in Gregory’s Girl, as the character Susan (pictured right)

Logan


One of my celebrity character crushes was Michael from The Reader. It’s a very sus movie; don’t watch it unless you like sus stuff! I developed a crush on the male actor [in the film]: a German man named David Kross. I was low-key obsessed with this man. I watched interviews and movies with this guy and loved looking at his pictures. I like skinny, cute blond guys, so that played a role. I got over him in January 2022.

Eliana


 I find that I typically fall for older sister types, although it’s never intentional. I’m the oldest sibling in my family, so perhaps it’s a kindred affinity. I also never realized how much the sound of someone’s voice played a role into my infatuation. It’s difficult to put into words what makes certain voices such a turn-on, but from my experience it is oftentimes a dealbreaker.

I noticed a severe lack of animated characters, so I’ll rectify it. Meg from Hercules (pictured right) stands out for her snarky attitude and her wonderful, sensual voice. Esmeralda’s astonishing beauty is a crucial plot point in Hunchback of Notre Dame (pictured left), as the vile Judge Frollo burns down all of France because of his lust for her. Crazy that they managed to incorporate that storyline into a family film. In addition to being quite easy on the eyes, she is miraculously kind, bravely stands up to injustice, and is accepting of those who are subject to prejudice. There’s no doubt in my mind that Esmeralda is a wonderful character, a worthwhile role model, and a definite crush.

‘Animated characters don’t count!’, I hear you cry out. Well, you’re in luck. My other movie crushes include Laura Dern, first in Jurassic Park (pictured second to right) and later in David Lynch’s Wild at Heart; the effortlessly charismatic Julia Roberts and her wonderfully curly hair; Jordana Brewster as misunderstood super-criminal Lucy Diamond in the campy DEBS (pictured right); Christina Ricci in the live-action Casper film from when I was younger; Nani from Lilo and Stitch (another animated one… deal with it, haters); and I wholeheartedly second the aforementioned Sally Hawkins and Heath Ledger. They both have incredibly infectious smiles that light up the screen.

Thank you for reading, and I wish you much love in your lives. Expect a review fresh out of the oven on Wednesday, February 21. Ciao!

Watching Every Twilight Movie for the First Time | gavin nowak

Hey, this is your conductor speaking, and it’s great to finally be back from the dead. Being worm food is good and all, but I’ve been absent for… (checks notes) … good god… well, I’ll be sure to post more regularly. I have plenty of reviews and super sized write-ups in the works, so stay tuned. If you’re a longtime reader of this blog, thank you for your continued support even despite my barren track record throughout this last year. And if you’re new, thank you for giving me a chance.

Now, what do you think of when you hear the word “twilight”? Maybe you’re well-adjusted and think of a miraculous sky. For others, pony princess Twilight Sparkle comes to mind. But for some nostalgic readers, they reflect on the beloved… wait no. Um, iconic….

…memorable? Yeah, the memorable Twilight Saga, originally penned as a novel by Stephanie Meyer and adapted to the screen by director Catherine Hardwicke through Summit Entertainment. Made with very little executive interference and a limited budget of $37 million, Twilight somehow became a pop culture sensation overnight. Twilight not only paved the way for a blockbuster franchise, but its resounding success sparked a renaissance of teen book-to-film adaptations that took the box office by storm in the early to mid 2010s. Without Twilight there to prove that the investment was worthwhile, we may not have had The Hunger Games, Maze Runner, The Fault in Our Stars, Divergent and the like. During the five year run that kicked off in 2008 and concluded in 2012 where lovesick women dragged their ill-fated lovers to these movies, I managed to avoid all of them… until now! Much to the concern of my common sense, the curiosity caught up to me. I truly wanted to determine what made Twilight such a phenomenon; why it’s still discussed and defended fifteen years later. Maybe it’s more than it appears.


HEADS UP: This review contains spoilers for the entire Twilight Saga.


Twilight (2008)

Okay, so the sparking vampire scene wasn’t that bad.

I’d agree that the original Twilight – a story about an awkward Arizonan girl who moves to a small town in Washington state and falls for aloof vampire Edward Cullen – isn’t a cult classic without reason. In a vacuum, it’s a decent effort purely for what it is and what it’s trying to achieve. By no means is it exceptional based on an objective critique, but it’s nigh perfect as a campy teen fantasy with excessively pale vampires and enough washed-out shades of blue to make the Home Depot paint department jealous. On that note, one thing I really enjoyed was that rainy, cold atmosphere. Speaking as someone who was born and spent a good chunk of my childhood in the Pacific Northwest, director Catherine Hardwicke expertly captured a frigid, moody essence that makes this film stand out among the rest.

The film never once lost my attention. Edward running and leaping around the woods with Bella on his back? Love it. Plus, c’mon, a vampire baseball sesh set to the tune of Muse! Don’t let anyone tell you that that isn’t the coolest cinematic scene of 2008, because we know the truth! Any soundtrack with Decode by Paramore can’t be that bad, too. For honest critiques, main leads Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have about as much chemistry as oil does with water. The performances are out-there, sure, but from what I’ve been told, the characters of Bella and Edward are just as awkwardly written in the novel. At the end of the day, I don’t blame any of the actors. I do agree with the other ubiquitous complaint that the series takes itself with an unnecessary amount of seriousness. Although, depending on your perspective, it can either come off like an absence of self-awareness or an apt encapsulation of adolescent angst where every minuscule interaction feels like life-or-death. It’s genuinely hard to tell.

Score: 6/10


New Moon (2009)

The follow-up, subtitled New Moon, is essentially a half-hearted retread of the first, but swap out vampires with werewolves. Enter Jacob, played by Taylor Lautner of Sharkboy and Lavagirl fame. Naturally, this is where the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate was born. You either paired her up with the sullen, sparkling bloodsucker or the fiery, tantrum-prone pooch. Or, in other words, necrophilia versus beastiality. As someone who was binge-watching this series with two women for the sake of well-rounded insight, I can definitively say that the sole reason behind Team Jacob’s conception is because of how regularly he takes his shirt off. It’s a “wolf thing”, according to him.

So, an incident between Bella and the Cullen family prompts Edward to respectably break up with Bella and peace out. They’re ill-suited for each other, and seeing Ed acknowledge that and end the relationship on good terms is admirable. Too bad he ruins it by abandoning her in the middle of the woods! As a result of her heartbreak, every time Bella recklessly puts herself in harm’s way, an apparition of Edward’s disembodied head speaks to her. She hops on the motorcycle of someone who tried to sexually assault her. She impulsively dives off of a cliff into the ocean. She appears to break all of her ribs slamming into a rock. Self-harm has never been so fun. Even Edward agrees; a miscommunication leads to a Romeo and Juliet-esque climax where he attempts to end his life by exposing himself in public as a shimmery lil’ fella.

All in all, this entry was middling. It’s first half was alright, but it becomes drawn-out with the unwelcome introduction of vampiric law. While the first film utilized its tone and an enigmatic sense of “is this unintentional or was it all done on purpose?” to create a campy delight, New Moon disappointingly goes full-blown soap opera with nothing to interpret (or misinterpret, I suppose). So far my favorite characters are Bella’s dad, the reserved, shotgun-wielding sheriff Charlie, and Edward’s charismatic, clairvoyant sister Alice. And hey, throw Carlisle in there too, I guess. His scene with Bella had a certain kind of tension, if you catch my drift.

Score: 5/10


Eclipse (2010)

This one’s a bizarre case. I remember a feeling of contentment as the credits rolled. “That was alright”, I thought. The next day, my memory of the film was completely wiped. The only scene that stuck in my mind was Bella breaking her arm after punching Jacob in the face (?!). A fleeting moment of comedy gold buried in a sea of wasted potential. I would describe it as breezy, if ultimately unremarkable, never awfully inept or outrageous enough to make it a mesmerizing trainwreck. Because, say what you will about the original Twilight and the upcoming Breaking Dawn, but I still recall “you better hold on tight, spider-monkey”, “how you likin’ the rain, girl”, and Edward reading patron’s minds at a restaurant. “Sex, money, sex, money… cat” Bella’s friend giddily displaying a worm on a stick left more of an impact on me. Hell, even New Moon had ‘where’ve you been, loca”.

Amassing a vampire swarm in Seattle, an embittered adversary and her army marches down to Forks motivated to kill Bella. This forces an uneasy alliance between sworn enemies – the Cullen family and the werewolf clan – in order to ensure Bella’s survival. The plot itself is decent, and a natural progression of the story and characters. The opposing factions striking a shaky truce, parallel to the tempestuous love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob is an excellent set-up. In execution, it plays it straight. It is kinda funny that these three are going through this overblown high school melodrama while more pressing matters are happening in the background.

Despite not being a particularly shocking revelation, this is the entry where I came to the conclusion that pretty much everyone else is more interesting than our morose lead characters. Jasper and Rosalie Cullen reveal their backstories, I assume to fill in space. Jasper admits that fought for the Confederacy during the American Civil War, Rosalie tells the tale of how she turned into a vampire and got revenge on the repulsive men who raped her, among them her fiance – I mean, wow! Give me those movies, please. When it comes to Jacob, however, he’s awful in this. I mean, really awful. He forces himself on Bella (which results in the hand-spraining jab to the face), repeatedly dismisses Bella’s rejection under the resolute insistence that she is denying her feelings, and later threatens to get himself killed in combat when he overhears Bella and Edward discussing their engagement. Flat-out emotional manipulation! I guess it’s just a wolf thing.

Score: 5/10


Breaking Dawn Part One (2011)

One half elongated wedding/honeymoon, the other half a nightmarish pregnancy, Breaking Dawn Part One is truly… something. Or maybe it’s just not much of anything. My only certainty is that it blows, big time. If you’re viewing this through a lens devoid of seriousness, then it totally functions as a comedy. If I’m remembering things correctly, Jacob goes shirtless within the first minute: a new record!

There are quite a few highlights here. It begins with Bella and Edward getting married at long last. And what wedding is complete without your mother singing you a childhood lullaby. The couple then go on a lavish honeymoon, having sex all night and playing chess all day. Then, despite previously establishing that all of the fluids in Edward’s body are venomous, somehow he knocks Bella up. Whoops. From here on out everything becomes a blur. Bella accidentally consumes raw chicken, the maintenance woman angrily invokes them with a jinx, the Cullens have a pro-life / pro-choice debate, Jacob is having an unfocused little subplot where he rebels against his werewolf pack. On and on it goes. The original Twilight finally has competition in terms of small, standout scenes and stilted lines of dialogue. Anyways, the baby is slowly killing Bella from the inside out. She’s all malnourished and sickly, sipping animal blood from a styrofoam cup.

Yes, really.

Edward saves her by performing a c-section with his teeth… I think? One thing I don’t doubt is that Jacob imprinting on a newborn baby is a riot! Again, it’s shrugged off as a wolf thing. I’ll be honest with you, even though they’d mentioned imprinting before, I still wasn’t certain what it was. It just sounds wrong. Hold on, let me look this up…

It sounds a lot like grooming, worryingly. Big yikes.

The whole thing is made even funnier when, come next movie, a screenwriter shoe-in grinds a climactic scene to a halt just to assure the audience that this is definitely not creepy. Suuuuuurrre. And wait just a minute! Imprinting is one-sided, right? What if the imprintee doesn’t reciprocate? I have so many concerning questions, Steph. It’s just further driving the point home that Bella should get together with Alice instead. I’m not joking. Team Alice for the win.

Score: 3/10


Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

Breaking Dawn Part Two alleviates its bottom of the barrel predecessor as a very fitting wrap-up for loyal fans. Being that it was the last movie in the series, I’m sure that this one in particular was highly anticipated by many, albeit for polar opposite reasons! It’s evident that Robert Pattinson lightened up a bit now that the light at the end of the tunnel was in sight. It was surprisingly heartwarming to see the guy genuinely happy for once, especially since his character was reacting to Bella chewing Jacob out. I had a big stupid grin on my face, too!

A majority of this finale is planning and recruiting allies, all building up to the final fight. The entire runtime feels like a third act stretched unbearably thin. But as a popular alternative rock band once declared, in the end it doesn’t even matter. The uproarious, balls-to-the-wall fight scene is unceremoniously revealed to have all been one of Alice’s premonitions, seen from the horrified perspective of the chief Volturi. It would be impressive how uneventful this movie is if it weren’t just sort of sad. They talk the situation out and, following the aforementioned interruption failing to dispel my concerns over Jacob’s deviance, everyone leaves with nothing more than a nasty case of deep dissatisfaction. And now the guy who strived tirelessly to get in Bella’s pants is destined to be her and Eddie’s son-in-law. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is uncomfortable, right?

Somebody must’ve ordered extra cheese on the end credits montage, but hey, it’s effective. The Christina Perri song continues this franchise’s consistently enjoyable track record for music, as well. I wouldn’t consider myself a massive fan, but those end credits, in an oddly transcendent way, made me feel like I was.

Score: 5/10


Closing Thoughts

I came into this marathon with an open-minded approach, interested to pinpoint what made Twilight so significant; to understand it like I never did before. It’s clear that Twilight has a plethora of problems. I wasn’t exactly subtle when calling them out. Major concerns such as its iffy implications to nitpicky blemishes like the bloated ensemble of unimportant side characters introduced in its endgame all ring true. More often than not, it felt like it deliberately went out of its way to tell a humdrum story while all this tangentially much more engaging stuff happened around it. Let’s not ignore that it winded up cursing the world with the notoriously insufferable Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, either!

I joke, but, when all is said and done, Twilight is fine. It’s nowhere near being the worst possible thing. When you boil it all down to its core, Twilight is a romance founded on teenage desires. It starts off charming only to derail. However, it’s too standard and earnest and fun to really motivate any wholehearted ire. It’s written off as nothing more than wish fulfillment for young girls, which undeniably speaks to a cultural inclination to deride adolescent feminine interests. Clunky dialogue and mindless plotlines can be seen in film all the time: take the Fast and Furious franchise, for instance. And although those movies certainly received criticism, it never came remotely close to the mass hatred garnered against Twilight for being similarly flawed. How come a testosterone-fueled line of films get a pass, but Twilight is wrong and worthy of ridicule?

Look, I’m still not sure I completely “get” this franchise. But my marathon certainly didn’t teach me nothing.

Twilight made me realize that it’s okay to enjoy flawed works of art, no matter how “cringy” and no matter how maligned. I’m glad that, in these last few years, there’s been a renewed interest in the series with people taking it at face value as a genuine work instead of condemning it to perpetual dismissal and ridicule. I mockingly pointed out ridiculous plot points and awkward details, but I found that I still had a fun time watching it nevertheless. It’s something that people hold dearly to their heart and, with the world as hard enough as it is, who are we to point and laugh?

We shouldn’t have to be embarrassed about the things we enjoy. So, don’t listen to what they have to say about it! Don’t listen to what I say about it. A true friend will never try to make you feel ashamed of your interests, even if they can’t relate. Twilight is not really for me. But maybe it’s for you. And that’s awesome.

Maison Ikkoku Anime Review: Takahashi at Her Best | Lighttrain

Kon’nichiwa! Welcome back to the Lighttrain; once again, this is your Conductor speaking. The medium of Japanese anime has certainly become quite the juggernaut in the North America nerd culture, with its cute girls, fantastical plot lines, and the dreaded beach episode all being staples of this inventive medium. In fact, this movement has been going on even since the 1980s. One of the most popular shows of this era was the martial arts-themed screwball comedy Ranma 1/2, adapted from a manga (the Japanese word for comic book) written and illustrated by Rumiko Takahashi. Ranma 1/2 was a breakthrough, even striking gold in North America, but I believe an overlooked work of Mrs. Takahashi’s is the slice-of-life romantic comedy Maison Ikkoku. Yet what made this series my personal favorite out of her decades-long catalog? Let’s get this show on the road and find out.

Times are tough for Yusaku Godai, a clumsy and spineless young man who has been failing his college entry exams. His housemates are not much of a help either. This includes the loud and gossipy housewife Ichinose, aloof bar hostess Akemi, and mysterious moocher Yotsuya, all of whom are drunkards that enjoy disrupting Godai’s studies. Just as he has had enough of their antics, the beautiful and sweet-natured Kyoko Otonashi appears to begin her responsibilities as the new manager of their boarding house, the titular Maison Ikkoku. In an instant, Godai has fallen in love with Kyoko, and from then on is a charming story following Godai’s attempts to win her heart, along with meddling from the tenants and various romantic rivals.

As the main protagonist, Godai is easy to empathize despite his immature flaws, but Kyoko quickly develops to have enough depth and personality to become equally important in the narrative. Early on in the series, we learn that Kyoko is a widow still mourning over the death of her late husband. This helps add a unique layer to the romance as, though she does care for Godai, Kyoko wrestles with the notion that she may forget the memory of her husband. In Godai’s case, he goes through an excellent arc as well where he perseveres through his struggles and works hard for a stable career, growing into a more hardworking, mature person worthy of Kyoko’s love. Their development and romantic chemistry is arguably the strongest aspect of the series.

However, without a doubt the most entertaining bunch of characters in the show lies in the tenants of Maison Ikkoku, most notably Mr. Yotsuya. His unscrupulous methods, deadpan expression, and strangely Shakespearean flair makes him an absolute scene-stealer. Although an eavesdropper and a gossip, over time Mrs. Ichinose proves to genuinely have Godai and Kyoko’s best interests at heart, and the relationship with her precocious son Kentaro is quite amusing as well. Out of the trio, Akemi gets the least amount of character focus. It’s a shame, as it seems like there could be plenty of interesting directions to take her character. Overall, Akemi is a blunt and down to earth kind of person that helps give our lead couple a swift kick in the right direction on a few key occasions. Fighting for Godai’s affections is the bubbly and innocent Kozue, while suave tennis coach Mitaka has a similar fondness for Kyoko. Kozue is a sweet girl who is unknowingly stuck in an unfortunate situation with Godai, so you really can’t help but feel sorry for her, especially during her last few episodes. Although I was worried that Coach Mitaka would fall into the “rich jerk” archetype, it was incredibly refreshing to see that he’s a decent guy all things considered. His frenemy relationship with Godai along with his morbid fear of dogs works well for both drama and more of Takahashi’s signature sense of humor. Each voice actor fits their role perfectly. Props to Mr. Shigeru Chiba in particular for his performance as Yotsuya.

Regarding the actual plot of the series, it’s not without its flaws. Most of the first half I have very few faults with but, disregarding a handful of pervy moments from the male characters that have aged like milk. Being familiar with Takahashi’s other works, she has a ill tendency to write a lecherous male in pretty much all of her works. Thankfully after a little while Maison Ikkoku downplays this trope and improves the series for doing so. In the second half of the show, after many misunderstandings where Godai is caught in a compromising position and Kyoko stubbornly holds a grudge against him for it, even when it isn’t Godai’s fault, the formula begins to tire. There’s only so many times you can pull this off before the other tenants start to sound more rational than our melodramatic main characters do.

They additionally introduce two fresh faces to further complicate the love conundrum; headstrong high school girl Yagami, who falls for the hapless Godai, and shy dog-lover Asuna, who is put in an arranged marriage with Mitaka. The Yagami plotline doesn’t really effect things too much, until much later where it demonstrates Godai’s character development into a more mature guy. Obviously Godai and Kyoko were the obvious couple from the very start, so it was clear Mitaka had to be removed from their orbit sooner or later. Of course Asuna’s legion of pet dogs bring with it excellent situational comedy, but it ultimately pushes Mitaka to overcome his phobia in a satisfying manner. Neither are inherently weak elements, but I wish they were made more compact rather than lasting a good chunk longer than they needed to.

The series is quite visually beautiful, with simplistic but recognizable character designs and well-done animation. There are plenty of shots in these episodes that simply display the mundane charm of Japanese suburbia in the 1980s, and they greatly add to the thoughtful and slow-paced nature of the series. Another benefactor is the wonderful original soundtrack. Many of these tunes are gentle, atmospheric melodies that engross the audience in its setting. The opening and ending themes are all decent in their own right. For whatever peculiar reason, episode 24 features themes by Irish singer-songwriter Gilbert O’Sullivan, “Alone Again (Naturally)” for the opening and “Get Down” for the ending. Only episode 24. It never happened beforehand and it never happened anytime after. Pretty amusing to think about.

Maison Ikkoku is a series that is strong enough to resonate with both fans of Takahashi or complete strangers to anime thanks to its engaging romance, fun characters, and masterful blend of comedy and drama. Though later stoylines featuring Yagami and Asuna can be stretched thin, there are few major issues I have with the series. Ranma 1/2 might have introduced me to the works of Rumiko Takahashi, but this is what completely solidified my love for her artistry.

Rating: 9/10

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY REVIEW (and an announcement!)

Son of Rambow (2007) Review | Lighttrain

Back from the grave, everybody! How’s it rolling, this is your conductor speaking for the first time in what feels like ages. During my elongated absence I’ve been busy with school, passion projects, going through the process of moving from California to Chicago, and all the anxieties that come with living in our modern world. But hey, the Train is up and running once again, and it’s truly great to be writing on this platform after such a tiresome period of burnout. I have some ideas for future posts in mind; the same eclectic content that I’ve always enjoyed doing. Today I thought it would be best if I returned with a laidback, simple review, that of the 2007 independent movie Son of Rambow. Without further ado, let’s get this show on the road, ladies and germs…

The plot is set in a quaint British community sometime in the 1980s, where a pair of polar opposite boys become great friends; an ill-tempered delinquent and a mild-mannered daydreamer raised in a strict religious household. The two set out on an endeavor to make their very own action film. More specifically, a sequel to the debut Rambo movie “First Blood”. Ultimately what follows is a charmingly sweet adventure. It has the same awkward quirkiness that Napolean Dynomite or your typical Wes Anderson movie are recognized by.

The film is directed by a bloke naked Garth Jennings, who’s limited filmography consists of this, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and the animated Sing duology from Illumination. He is also well-known for being apart of a collective called Hammer & Tongs, who produced both Hitchhiker’s Guide and Son of Rambow but primarily directed music videos. Some bands they worked with include Blur, R.E.M., Pulp, Vampire Weekend (their album Modern Vampires of the City is excellent), and even one for Coldplay all the way back on their debut album Parachutes (which is also just as excellent).

In many ways this story has a childlike innocence and wonder to it, almost in a nostalgic sort of way. I feel that Jennings, while a likable storyteller, is far too safe and predictable. The character trajectories play beat for beat as you might expect them to. It comes off as feeling formulaic even despite its interesting plotline of two kids making a home movie together. That sounds like it could be a really fun time. There are moments that take full advantage of the amusing concept, like the bit with the ceramic dog tied to the kite, but otherwise it feels muted.

I feel like the shy kid’s religious beliefs or their mutual desire for creative control could have been the main conflict between the two amatuer filmmakers, but in fact, it’s not. Quite different, actually. About halfway into the story arrives a bus full of French exchange students, one of which is a cool, eccentric, Pop Rocks-munching senior that joins their indie production. A bit rich, but okay. There was a pretty interesting scene by the end that actually added some depth to the French kid; although he was popular and well-liked in Britain, his own classmates ridicule him. Revealing that this wacky conflict catalyst is in truth a very lonely person was my personal favorite of thse brief compelling moments.

Overall I enjoyed Son of Rambow in a more bittersweet sense. As a sum of its parts it doesn’t fully relish the opportunity that comes with its delightful premise. Bits and pieces here and there only serve to remind what the film could have been as a whole. It lacks in any genuine emotional breakthroughs or engrossing conflicts, and the notion that it’s a semi-comedy is an unfortunate afterthought. The charm of the characters makes up for it, and I recommend it especially for those who want something on the more light and mellow side.

Rating: 7/10


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REVIEW OF RUMIKO TAKAHASHI’S MAISON IKKOKU

Trailer Trash Vol. 4! Memories of 42nd Street | {Out of Order} Lighttrain

Welcome back! As before, this is your conductor speaking. Tonight on the show is our fourth volume of the notorious Trailer Trash, where we look back during a funky time in Hollywood history where cheap double features for the price of one ticket were very common. Nowadays, not so much, as studios have millions of dollars at their disposal to invest in projects, but drive-ins have certainly had a resurgence due to the Coronavirus pandemic. With that, let’s jump straight into the outlandish, grotesque, sewage-soaked, and endlessly captivating lineup of b-movie wonderment. Let’s get this show on the road (how comforting it is to write that again after so long…)!

Surf Ninjas (1993)

A strange melding of martial arts and the stereotypical surf culture, the story seems to follow these teenage boys who get tangled up with this cyborg crime boss. Yet what kind of villain is that compared to the likes of Rob Schneider… oh, the horror! But really though, why is this 30 year old man hanging out at the beach with two teenage boys? Really makes you think. I think that this movie encapsulates a lot of family films from the 1990s, many of which tried far too hard to be hip, were full of plot holes, and had a cast of bumbling idiots. Then again, you could go worse. You could be Space Jam. Don’t forget; claim your turf, make sure to moto-surf.

Death Promise (1977)

One of the many reasons I don’t like blockbusters all that much is they always seem to have very one-dimensional villains. So boring, unscrupulous sure, but substance and depth is pretty much nonexistent. Until now! Behold, landlords and bosses, the true scum of the earth. How can I possibly relate to having to stand up against a tyrannical megalomaniac with their own private army? On the contrary, obnoxious superiors are a nuisance for plenty of folks, I feel. Throw in their sidekick Rob Schneider and you finally have action movie antagonists I want to see taken down. You go, Charles Bonet!

The Company of Wolves (1984)

An unnerving retelling of the classic Red Riding Hood fairy tale, this trailer I think offers a pretty decent idea of what sort of horror flick this is going to be. For what it’s worth, The Company of Wolves doesn’t actually look all that terrible. The production design and practical effects still hold up today at the very least. Even though they are trying to frighten us as an audience, I can’t help but smile seeing all those dogs being good boys and running around the set. Truly a heartwarming sight. So the dreamy atmosphere, unique style, and overall moral to never trust anyone with a unibrow definitely make for a good sell.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion (1982)

What? Explain yourself, Chevy Chase. You had something to do with this, didn’t you? Due to a decline in popularity of humor magazine National Lampoon after many of their alumni jumped ship to join the television sketch show Saturday Night Live (that I’m sure barely survived a single season), they began pumping out feature films. Their first attempt, Animal House, proved a massive success, so they continued forward. Obviously Class Reunion is attempting to recapture the magic from before, but it was quickly dumped on by critics and left to be forgotten in time. Oh well. You win some and you lose some. Although, this trailer is certainly very odd, cramming confusing chaos into a single minute without actually giving a premise. Unless the movie was just unhinged madness. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were so.


Don’t check out just yet, Lighttrain will return with more trailers after these messages…

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Modesty Blaise (1966)

Hey, do you mind repeating that title once again; I didn’t catch it the first ten times you said it. A campy espionage comedy that’s base concept is probably “female James Bond” turned into nothing more than a baroque pop art showcase with some people talking now and then. It’s like if a gallery from 60s London was a movie. Part of the problem here is that the director, Joseph Losey, was known more for his serious dramatic works and not for a goofball spy parody like this. Step aside, Modesty, Diabolik and Barbarella will take it from here. Go back to your apartment complex and beat up your evil landlords or something.

Hercules in New York (1970)

As evident from the footage seen above, Hercules in New York is an autobiographical look at the humble beginnings of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who goes from Greek god to professional bodybuilder and finally the governor of California. Not one of the most well-made documentaries out there, but thoroughly investing all the way through. Seeing Arnold grow, adapt his human alias, fall in love with a pretzel cart owner, and cause countless acts of property damage is truly exquisite. I was also quite surprised to hear that a young Schwarz had such a different voice in his youth. Wonder what happened there. Otherwise, bravo.

Black Caesar (1973)

February is coming to a close, and with that the temporary passing of black history month. I genuinely mean without an ounce of sarcasm that it’s stellar to see African-American people getting the acknowledgment and support they deserve after generations of discrimination. Yet back in the 70s, these people were also encouraged on by a rising subgenre of grindhouse cinema: the blaxploitation film. These were your typical action-packed slam fest featuring criminal underbellies and kung fu powerhouses, but instead featuring a wide array of black actors. Of course, this is trailer trash, so these were not usually the best things out there, but there is no denying the positive influence it had on many local communities.

Tommy (1975)

Don’t do drugs, kids. Our final trailer of the evening is the psychedelic rock opera Tommy, featuring a soundtrack by The Who, and guest appearances from the likes of Ann-Margaret, Jack Nicholson, and Elton John. This wild advertisement was simply begging me to look further into the plot of this thing. Apparently, it stars a man who is deaf, dumb, and blind who becomes a master pinball player and gets tangled up in a cult. Normal stuff, no doubt. Having come across robo-Leslie Nielson and unibrow werewolves may have just desensitized me by now.

Thank you for reading and your continued patience! Look forward to more soon. Later.

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What’s This? Another Update! That Conductor Really Has It Coming For Him… | Lighttrain

Yo, how’s it going? For me, not so well. Right off the bat, I must clarify that the absence is entirely my fault and no one else’s. I was certainly busy, sure, but also incredibly lazy, and I apologize for that. Thank you so much for your patience too! I was honestly surprised that I hadn’t lost any subscribers since I vanished. Then again, this blog isn’t necessarily that vital to your lives, but just the mere fact that you’re reading this right now means a lot.

So, what’s next? Well, a few things. I’m going to need to ease my way back into posting regularly again because getting back into that flow again after so long will be difficult. Chances are, don’t expect it to be weekly, but I will always post when I can. A few other notes is that I will be having a trip in April and I’m moving to Illinois in August. Those things will likely mean no posts during those respective times. Otherwise, stay hopeful!

Upcoming posts haven’t changed much, but I do aspire to be more eclectic with it. Of course, movie reviews for Dune, Tick, Tick…Boom, Koyaanisqatsi, The Terminal, and Son of Rambow are all in the works. One of my favorite series on this blog, Trailer Trash, I’m hoping to give another episode or two because they really are a ton of fun to write. I was also planning for other retrospective throwbacks such as looking back at Saturday morning cartoons, the Satanic Panic brought upon by the rising popularity of VHS in the 80s, the indie film boom of the 90s, and a show called Eiga Meihemu that examines the colorful world of Japanese cinema. I also had a unique idea of a series where we can read and laugh at some ridiculous internet fanfiction. There’s some wild stories out there, trust me. I can’t give any guarantees for this though; I’m worried it may be a little too strange.

Anyways, I just wanted to keep this straightforward for you guys. Thank you once more for taking a few minutes out of your day to revisit the train. I will see you again very soon. Peace out!

Jurassic Park (1993) Retrospective | Lighttrain

Salutations, long time no see! I am your conductor. Sorry for any concern or bitterness involving my inactivity. You see, long story short, I have now been resurrected from the grave and got this train back up and running. Today let’s look at the Steven Spielberg classic Jurassic Park. Because, summer is the season of blockbusters, is it not? Let’s get this show on the road…

A wealthy mogul has done the impossible – creating living dinosaurs out of fossilized DNA samples. What do you do with such a technological brilliance? Well, cash in on it, of course. Obviously investors are rather nervous about the repercussions of a tourist destination filled with unpredictable carnivorous creatures walking about. In response, the billionaire invites over a small group to visit the island and assure its safety. However, unprecedented complications cause the dinosaurs to break loose, as the stranded tourists must now rush to survive.

I want to get the common checkpoints out of the way because, let’s be honest, no one wants to hear what they already know. The CGI graphics for the prehistoric reptiles are stunning, particularly for the early 1990s. The various moments that have since been etched into pop culture is many. And I mean, many! It may be cliche, but it’s that way for a reason. From the water in the glass to the t-rex in the rear view mirror, it’s all so iconic! Honestly my favorite line is when Jeff Goldblum’s character says in response to the creation of the dinosaurs…

Couldn’t have phrased it better if I tried!

Michael Crichton, the writer for both the original novel and this screen adaption, truly knows how to write tonal shifts. He absolutely nails it with tense scenes, but handles sentimental or intelligent ones just as well. The seminal director, Spielberg, gets a bunch of applause for his work on this film, and sure, he did excellently, but let’s not edge out the visionary behind the scenes.

Jurassic Park in general is overflowing with a myriad of details that I always seem to find with every viewing. For instance, did Hammond really spare no expense? Because he only hired a single guy to run computers for the whole park! Goldblum and Laura Dern have some kind of odd chemistry to them that I like a lot. They remind me of two goofballs that are sharing a brain cell together. It’s cute. A sentence in the film early on explaining the connections between common birds and these extinct reptiles indeed foreshadows the final shots of the film. As the survivors are on the helicopter, finally fleeing from the abandoned island, Alan Grant (played decently by Sam Neill) gazes outside to see a flock of birds, reminding the audience how they’ll “never see birds the same way again”.

Spared some expense.

By Hollywood standards, there is no ignoring that Spielberg and Crichton’s classic Jurassic Park is unrivaled. Hidden beneath breathtaking special effects and action that leaves us on the edge of our seats is a genuinely intelligent piece. No matter how many blockbusters keep getting churned out, I don’t feel that anything will ever connect with people the same way this movie did. What else is there to say, I highly recommend!

RATING: 10/10


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JULY UPDATES

Now that I have returned from my visit up to Washington, I am now returning full time to blogging! Next Thursday I will posting the finale of the series Out of Order discussing the terrible 90s television show The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. It’s going to be a fun one. After that review however, I’ll be starting to upload a new post every two weeks instead. I mean to be completely honest with you here; my blogging hobby has evolved from a passion of mine to something of a chore. I do still enjoy making reviews and fun retrospectives and stuff like that, but I find it difficult to pressure myself into writing every week. Essentially I need some more air to breathe. But, you can still check my Instagram (@g.nowak_art) and Letterboxd (@Kraken Nowak) to keep up to date with my additional projects. Future posts here on the Lighttrain will be a two-part ranking of the Marvel short films, a review of Galaxy Quest, As You Like It, and Koyaanisquatsi, as well as “Son of Octerror” returning for the Halloween season. Thank you so much for tuning in this far and I hope you have a wonderful rest of the month. See you next Thursday!

Raiders of the Lost Ark/Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade Duel Review | Lighttrain

Hello and thank you for stopping by. To both new faces and frequents, allow me to introduce myself as your conductor for this evening. Since we are approaching blockbuster season (or lack thereof!), it was about time I revisited Indiana Jones in all of his whip-cracking glory. Leading a life foiling the dastardly plots of Nazis and hunting down various relics, the series taught students to never underestimate their archaeology professor, Harrison Ford or not. Although the others are mostly flawed films, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade are, in my opinion, two of the best action-adventures that Hollywood has ever produced. But which is better? Let’s get this show on the road and face a danger almost as risky as the Third Reich; determining my favorite Indiana Jones!

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Review

Daring adventurer Indiana Jones is recruited by the U.S government to help unearth the renowned Ark of the Covenant, a casket said to contain the biblical Ten Commandments. On a globetrotting search from Cairo to Nepal, Indy and his former sweetheart Marion find themselves hunted down by the nefarious Rene Belloq and his German brigade. Will they stop the Nazis from obtaining the Ark’s insurmountable powers?

Ah yes, the one that started the whole thing. Let us pause for a moment of respect… anyways, this movie is amazing! Sure, it may not go down in history as an intellectual masterpiece, nor is that what the film is trying to accomplish. It is what I have dubbed a “popcorn movie” (noun. a motion picture intended to be easy-to-digest entertainment, often times being a Summer blockbuster or having a charismatic hero in the main role).

Keep in mind that I don’t necessarily feel that these popcorn movies are below others just because they are simply to give crowds a good time. Even when done wrong, it’s still respectable. But on the certain occasions when the formula is done remarkably well, you come out with Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are a couple of issues scattered throughout; nothing is perfect, after all. But when your flick is this polished, funny, and has Nazis heads exploding like balloons, then how can I possibly be too critical. Now if the movie was called Indiana Smith like the concept instead, we’ll have an entirely different story on our hands.

An entertaining and fun film that, like Gene Siskel once said, might even inspire younger generations to borrow a camera and make movies themselves. I know I was surely one of them! Ignore all the Fellini and the Godard, the Hitchcock or Tati. Sometimes a popcorn flick done with excellency is enough to satisfy me.

RATING: 10/10


Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (1989) Review

An archaeologist has recently gone missing on his pursuit of the Holy Grail, a goblet said to grant eternal life. Upon discovering that it was his own father, Indiana Jones continues in his expedition, teaming up with Marcus Brody, Sallah, Elsa Schneider, and of course, Professor Henry Jones Sr. It is a race against the clock once more for Indiana and his allies to thwart the unscrupulous aspirations of the Nazis. Will they be pure at heart, and what will happen to those who aren’t?

Let’s be real here, this gives Raiders a run for its money. Following the darkly violent Temple of Doom, this installment comes full circle and readopts the more light-hearted tone. Arguably the freshest element added here is the estranged relationship between father and son. This outing earnestly is the first of the trilogy (let’s just ignore the fourth one…) where Indy feels like he grew as a character from the beginning to the end. What can this be attributed to? You guessed right, that would be the bond with his dad. In addition, the adventure has more of a personal aspect to it. Dare I say that this may be my favorite feature to watch on Father’s Day. Hey, the holiday is on June 20 this year, just saying.

Furthermore, the action sequences are as stellar as they have ever been; the tank and rotating wall scenes were highlights. Marcus Brody, Indiana’s likeable and buffoonish academic mentor, is among the great ensemble of characters too. Similar to Raiders though, the villains aren’t exactly the most compelling, but c’mon… they’re just Nazis on the highway to get their flesh melted off their bones. Not much of a spoiler, really. A nice touch of Indiana Jones’ humanity is also displayed near the end when he offers to save a secondary antagonist, but the demise of the latter can only be blamed on their own greed. Chef’s kiss, right there.

Nearly everything in this film is pitch-perfect, from the acting to the fights and even the unexpected emotional weight. You want a quintessential “popcorn movie”? My recommendation would definitely be either of these two Indiana Jones entries, no doubt about it. There was never a dull moment, from the second it began until the perfect final shot of Indy and his pals riding off into the sunset.

RATING: 10/10


So yeah, two remarkably superb films yet again. I sat on whether Raiders of the Lost Ark or Last Crusade was the winner overall, but I killed two birds with one stone and just made both of them the best. What can I say, I guess I’m a man of culture. Thank you bunches for tuning in and I wish you a good Memorial Day. Later!

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TOMORROW | Updates for June… Don’t Miss It!

7 More Bonkers Brand Mascots {Out of Order} | Plus Updates

Welcome folks! I’m your conductor here tonight ready to look back on seven over-the-top mascots here on our show Out of Order. This is a second batch focusing on the topic, which has proved to be something of a favorite among my passengers. And I aim to cook up that same charm again. Back by popular demand, here’s volume 2 of bizarre brand marketing mascots… let’s get this show started!

Spuds Mackenzie (Bud Light, 80s)

How could you go wrong with this party animal? Debuting during the 1987 Super Bowl, Spuds soon became a smash hit seemingly overnight. He was a life-of-the-party bull terrier, rode about in limousines, and was swarmed by a crowd of gorgeous “Spudettes”. His impact certainly benefited the beer company, approximately improving average sales by 20% between 1987 and 1988. It’s a shame that his controversial idealization of alcohol to an audience of impressionable teenagers eventually led to the mascot’s retirement by 1989, only serving a 3 year run. It seems Spud’s legacy hasn’t faded in modern times, so could the mascot make its deserved comeback? I hope so, and even if that won’t be the case, he will always be up there in the stars, partying the night away.

Crash Test Dummies (Safety Administration, 1986-1999)

The other day I buckled up in a parking lot and my friends in the back ridiculed me for it. Clearly neither of them have seen these adverts before. They were featured heavily in public service announcements, or PSA’s, broadcast in part by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to encourage the use of seat belts. In these ads, two crash dummies named Vince and Larry often got into slapstick situations, egged on by the slogan “You Could Learn a Lot from a Dummy”. The practice of car safety was indeed boosted by these characters, who would later get a line of children’s toys. Hmm, that’s cool I guess… wait, the entire point of the action figures was to mutilate and purposefully smash them? Oh, irony, where art thou!

Speedy (Alka-Seltzer, 1951 – 1964)

I never would’ve thought that a pain-medication product needed a mascot, yet here we are! This little guy is named Speedy, named after the company’s introduction of “Speedy Relief”. For whatever reason, his body is an Alka-Seltzer tablet, but his head is human? I mean, plastic, but still human nonetheless. And he’s also wearing one on his head? Unless that is some sort of costume, isn’t that sort of like wearing your torso as a hat? Well, despite the horrifying implications, Speedy was a decent spokesman for selling antacids.

Sir Grapefellow (General Mills, 1972)

Last time we covered this we looked at another cereal mascot named King Vitamin. Or Vitaman… anyways, I decided to continue this tradition and pay my respects to the king. Awakening sour memories of World War 1 was a British military pilot named Sir Grapefellow. The breakfast supposedly had the flavor of grape-tasting oats combined with berry marshmallows. It even had a rivalry with another cereal under the same theme, Baron Von Redberry, to mixed reactions. Maybe next time it’s best that we don’t name a cereal character after a German war criminal. Kellogg’s, take notes.


Hang in there, Out of Order will be right back!

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MAY UPDATES

Not much exciting announcements are really in the works for this month, but there are definitely posts to look forward to. We’ll be comparing two of the greatest adventure films of all time, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade to determine the best. And the finale of Out of Order season 1 will come to a head with a retrospective of arguably the worst shows ever made. Place your guesses on what you think it is down in the comments. Besides that, I am deeply sorry to say that I will have to take another two-week break from posting this June. It’s not because of burnout again, rather I am visiting distant family during that time and my reviews would interfere. But hey, still got all this month. Now, on with the show!


Bart Simpson (Butterfinger, 1988 – 2001)

“Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger”, was a line frequently stated by the mascot for this crispity, crunchity, peanut-buttery candy bar. The Simpsons had a monopoly on pop culture during the 1990s, and this is no different. Essentially in all these adverts it was Bart vs. The World, as everybody around him would go to questionable lengths to steal the Butterfinger for themselves. Revenge, betrayal, and elaborate set-ups, this week on Game of Butterfingers. Eh, doesn’t have that much of a ring to it really… but this was a peculiar tie-in for sure. However, I wonder how it would’ve been if HBO had a marketing campaign with Nestle. I can see it now; the Soprano Nesquick!

Sylvester Smythe (Cracked magazine)

The next character lives under the domineering shadow of Alfred E. Neumann, the dopey face often associated with Mad magazine. Which is a shame, because Cracked is an equally solid satire publication. Sylvester was a janitor for the zine, and appeared inside the parodies from time to time. Cracked does however compose of a fanbase of people who bought this when Mad had been sold out, so Sylvester has a unique place in pop culture.

Max Headroom (Coca-Cola, 1986 – 1987)

Who actually remembers Max Headroom besides me? He was a wisecracking artificial intelligence who’s voice was often sped up, slowed down, and plagued by stutters. The guy was a one-hit-wonder for a little while, starring in his own television program, an unsolved hijacking, and served as Coca-Cola’s salesman too. For whatever reason though, the character never made any sort of sense to me; he’s genuinely more uncanny then he is witty. Maybe I should give him a break… all he ever did was promote soda.

Well, that’s all folks! Catch you later.


TOMORROW | Raiders of the Lost Ark Review starring Indiana Jones